Madam Wed Film Review

Sony…

Is this a tax thing?

Or is it like when you made that Fantastic Four movie back in 1994 purely to keep the rights to the characters? I mean at least you had the decency not to release that one.

Or has someone kidnapped one of your executive kids and has threatened to kill them if you don’t keep churning out terrible super-hero films?

I mean, you don’t seem to want to release these things, no-one particularly wants to see them, the actors don’t seem to have enjoyed anything other than the pay check. I mean poor Dakota Johnson – who seems to have wished on a monkeys paw to be a movie star but can only star in unwatchable drokk that comes out around Valentines Day. I mean she allegedly left over this debacle, not 50 shades, Madam Web.

It’s not like you put together a dream team behind the camera either. Director S.J. Clarkson has worked purely in TV – which may explain why this whole thing feels like the first episode of a mid-budget CW show. The writers… The writers the writers the writers…. Somehow four people allegedly wrote this film (shockingly Alan Smithee wasn’t one of them ) and the only two who’s names I could click on Wikipedia were responsible for Dracula Untold, The Last Witch Hunter, Gods of Egypt, Morbius and Madame Web.

Yeah… The signs for this one weren’t good.

But, every film deserves to be seen on its own merits and the fact that this is a standalone film in it’s own universe (I truly hate that I have to specify this but it’s nice to know that you can go in ‘blind’ and not worry about feeling like you’ve missed anything.) Is somewhat refreshing.

Well, I think that covers all the positives, lets get back to business.

Apparently this film has been rewritten and reshot to hell and back which normally results in a film coming in to the 90 -100 minute mark but instead this film comes in at nearly two hours? Why? A film this simple should easily be an hour and a half long. And no longer.

And I do mean simple, essentially, Dakota Web has to save three insufferable brats from a Spider-terminator whilst at the same time dealing with the fact that she’s started to glimpse the future. There’s a few other bits a bobs, a random group of Spider-Cenobites keep turning up to do nothing but repeatedly beat us over the head with the same tedious exposition in a film where the dialogue is seemingly nothing but stilted, repetitive, delivered like I’m in a Shamalan film exposition and references to one character’s un-named nephew.

The guys name is Ben Parker…. Gee, I wonder what his nephew will be called? Oh, he won’t because of… I’m going to guess legal reasons?

Anyway, the saving point of any super-hero film is our villain, our dark Spider…. Ceiling guy. What? Don’t look at me like that, the film calls him Ceiling Guy, why, I couldn’t tell you but I’m just going to assume lawyers again. But he’s got the usual spread of powers, speed, strength, agility and the ability to produce poison from his hands of whatever strength and lethality the script needs at that point in time.    

He’s trying to kill our insufferable leads because at some point in the future, our leads (I think they had names but it doesn’t really matter, Johnson could be protecting 3 pot plants for all they actually do in the film) are going to acquire spider powers and kill him, so he’s going to kill them first. So I’m just going to quote Kung Fu- Panda 2 Panda Harder and move on “One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it.” Because I fully support him in his mission.

Also, the three don’t get any powers in this film, they only appear kitted up in dream sequences. Maybe Sony thinks they can make a series out of this and I wish them the best of luck with that. Like I said, this film feels like the beginning of a TV show but it isn’t. It’s a mid budget film with nothing to recommend about it. It’s too dull to become a so-bad-it’s-good film, it doesn’t need to be watched to understand Venom 3: Venom Hard with a Vengeance, it’s just sort of there.

And very shortly it won’t be.

What passes for action scenes are generally very dull, boring car chases, the physical action scenes are terrible, there’s the most obvious product placement for Pepsi I’ve seen since World War Z (2013) and they couldn’t even be bothered to put in any end credits scenes.

I mean, they cut “that” trailer line out of the actual film and we can’t even convince Sony to re-release it again like we did with Morbius.

Am I done?

Yeah, I think I’m done. Whatever Sony thinks it’s playing at, can it please stop because these films are just getting duller and duller. I can’t even call this “The Cats (2019) of super-hero films” like the folks at Rolling Stone did because it’s not even that interesting, and I think that’s because the budget ($80 million) seems too low for what the director wanted to do, or all the reshoots soaked up all the cash and she was forced to do whatever she could with the 83p that was left.  

 Yes, this film is less interesting than Cats (2019) I mean, that WILL generate a cult-following in time. You mark my words. This won’t though. This is just going to be fodder for listicles of “Worst Superhero films ever” forever and ever amen.

I just hope everyone got paid and Dakota Johnson finds a way to break her curse soon.

My Score- Bomb

Someones Suing Suicide Squad

Another day, another story about Suicide Squad.

Now I had no intention of saying anything else about this film, because, well, what else is there to say? It’s not the savior of the DC Universe that the suits so desperately want it to be, its ticket sales have dropped by 41% going into its second weekend (Civil War’s was a mere 19%). It’s probably not getting released in the worlds second largest market- China, meaning that it’s really going to struggle to reach the 750 million dollars it need to break even and it’s being sued by a Scotsman known as BlackPanther2016 over it’s lack of Joker.

Wait, what?

Yeah, apparently BlackPanther2016 was forced to drive all the way from the barren wasteland of ‘Not London’ which apparently doesn’t have any cinemas to the Utopia of London which does. There, he paid his money, took his ticket, watched the film and then- in his own words.

“Movie trailers are like food menus, they give you a preview of what you’re gonna get. You look at a McDonald’s menu and you choose to get your favourite burger, presented in a nice picture with pickles, chicken, mild cheese (your favourite, in fact that’s the only reason you’re getting this burger, because you love mild cheese). You use your hard-worked money to pay for this burger, you get the burger, only to find out that this isn’t the burger you ordered. Yes it has pickles and chicken but it doesn’t have mild cheese, it has regular cheese.

“Suicide Squad trailers showcased several specific Joker scenes that I had to pay for the whole movie just so that I can go watch those specific scenes that Warner Bros/DC Comics had advertised in their trailers and TV spots. These scenes are: when Joker banged his head on his car window, when Joker says ‘“Let me show you my toys’, when Joker punches the roof of his car, when Joker drops a bomb with his face all messed up and says, ‘Bye bye!’ None of these scenes were in the movie.

“I drove 300 miles to London to go watch these specific scenes they had explicitly advertised in their TV ads…and they didn’t show them to me. Adding to this, they were also two specific Katana scenes they advertised that were also the reason I wanted to go watch the movie. These scenes were: Katana’s eyes going black, and a slow motion shot of her and her sword taking souls in a smoky kind of style. These scenes were advertised several times in the first trailer and many TV ads but they didn’t show it to me in the movie. I wasted a lot of money paying and travelling to go watch this movie because of these specific scenes they had advertised to me and all of us saying, ‘Hey, check out our preview! This will all be in our movie, come watch it on the 5th!’ All lies.

“If you advertise something, give me what you have advertised. Period. This is becoming a habit with movie studios, showing epic scenes in trailers that are never shown in the movies. It’s unjust.

“I just want to say, join me if you feel the same way. Let’s stop this nonsense of false bulls***ery and don’t let them bribe you with their ‘deluxe premium special directors gold extended edition supreme cut’ nonsense. You should get what they advertised as their first theatre showing and what you have paid for based on what they have showed you in their advertisements.”

Now, I wish Mr. Panther the best of luck with the lawsuit that he claims his “lawyer brother” will handle. I would also like to point out that this type of lawsuit does have precedent. A resident of Michigan sued the distributor of the 2011 film Drive as it   “bore very little similarity to a chase, or race action film … having very little driving in the motion picture” and in a more serious note- “substantially contained extreme, gratuitous, dehumanising racism directed at members of the Jewish faith, and thereby promoted criminal violence against members of the Jewish faith”. I can’t find out if she won or not.

Someone who did win their case was a New Zealand film buff, named only as J Congdon who sued Jack Reacher for a less than 1 second missing explosion that was allegedly was ‘the defining part of the ad’. He won has case and was refunded his ticket.

Now whether you enjoyed Leto’s Joker or regarded it as one of the worst portrayals of the character ever (and opinions do seem seem strangely polarized) I have to confess a strange admiration for Mr. Panther and his ‘lawyer brother’ and do hope they succeed. Trailers do lie to the public (mostly over how much I’m going to enjoy their mediocre offering) and if this is the start of change then it can only be a good thing.

Note-At time of writing (10/08/16) Neither Warner Brothers no DC have responded to the threatened legal action.

X:Men Apocalypse Review

Cast

Cast overview, first billed only:
James McAvoy James McAvoy
Michael Fassbender Michael Fassbender
Jennifer Lawrence Jennifer Lawrence
Nicholas Hoult Nicholas Hoult
Oscar Isaac Oscar Isaac
Rose Byrne Rose Byrne
Evan Peters Evan Peters
Josh Helman Josh Helman
Sophie Turner Sophie Turner
Tye Sheridan Tye Sheridan
Lucas Till Lucas Till
Kodi Smit-McPhee Kodi Smit-McPhee
Ben Hardy Ben Hardy
Alexandra Shipp Alexandra Shipp
Lana Condor Lana Condor

 

“This film generated over 15’000 jobs and took hundreds of thousands of work hours” declared the film after the (inevitable) end credits sequence. And whilst I don’t deny that the Special Effects guys clearly spent more time with this film than with their families, perhaps the script guy could have spent more than ten minutes writing the !~”!~”! thing?

Where to start? The script has a million plot-holes, the ‘villain’ would have been rejected by the Power Rangers, everybody apart from Michael Fassbender is phoning it in, its soggy and padded and goes out of it’s way to avoid anything as common as a fight scene.

I didn’t care for it.

But before I go back into the sea of hatred, let me revel in the sunshine of pretty good special effects and… er…. Jennifer Laurence (whocandonowrongever). Anything else?

Back down we go.

The plot dragged with an entire section devoted to getting some of the characters kidnapped purely so you-know-who can make a quick cameo. And, speaking of the characters this film introduces at least half a dozen (I lost count/interest) and has no idea what to do with them, Storm (who has about 4 lines and 3 minutes of screen time) along with Psylocke (ditto), Nightcrawler, Cyclops, Jean Grey and even Apocalypse himself (who is never referred to by that name in the film) are just stuffed into this bulging mess with pretty much no rhyme or reason other than to sell more toys.

And THAT’s not included all the constant flashbacks and references to not just the previous 2 X:Men films but the other trilogy as well! Oh, and did you like that bit in X:Men- Days of Future Past where Quicksilver ran around the room to the sound of an 80’s pop song? Well, it’s done again here except in a bigger and therefore ‘better’ sequence!

I can pretty much guarantee that this will be the second worst superhero film out this year. Skip it and go see Civil War again.

My Score- Poor 

 

Carry On Up The Oceans 11 Remake

You ever read something and then check the date to make sure that it’s not April 1?

That’s happened to me twice today and in both times my reaction was little more than a resigned shrug because whilst in retrospect I should have expected them to happen, I guess I just figured that they were a few years down the line.

Because not only is Oceans 11 being rebooted with an all female cast, but the Carry On films are coming back.

My reactions to the Oceans 11 reboot are the same as I had for Ghostbusters. Why? How much? And, does this film really need to exist? It’s a reboot of a reboot (the Rat Pack did it first back in the sixties) And even if it does star Jennifer Lawrence (whocandonowrongever) will it copy the first one which was as cool as a Polar Bear with sunglasses or the un-watchable sequels that followed it?

Personally, I don’t care if it’s an all man/woman/turkey cast  I just want a good script, story and characters. So I’ll watch this with interest.

The other shock of the day (which sent every critic I know into sheer terror driven sobs of panic) is that the Carry On films are coming back.

For those of you unaware of this franchise (and how I envy you.) Carry On was a series of 31 low-budget ‘comedy’ pictures that lasted from 1958-1992 and can best be described as the type of humor that your uncle thinks he can get away with after a few glasses of wine.

The series peaked with Carry On Screaming in 1966 and went downhill from there. They are still shown on British TV to this day, although mostly as a warning from history.

Nowt though, the team behind second rate Friends knock off Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps are threatening to bring the series back to the big screen. Now to be fair, they have stated “We are making a new entry in the series with love and care: it isn’t a remake or an attempt to reinvent the wheel.

We’re looking to create a whole new ensemble of brilliant British comedic actors. No stunt casting. No big American stars. This will be British film at its best, as the truly remarkable heritage deserves.”

But the series humor is very much of its time with a set of stars that had their own chemistry and to be honest… this series belongs in the past. Aside from at Christmas when the nation remembers the terrible, awful things we’ve done in the name of ‘entertainment’

 

 

Does Elsa ‘Need’ A Girlfriend?

I’ve never managed to see Frozen, the one time I tried to watch it my laptop insisted that I watch a rather good 2010 survival horror film of the same name instead.

However, it must have done something right- it it the highest grossing animated film  of all time after all.

And now, inevitably it’s getting a sequel which is due to be released in 2018 and there’s a campaign to make  the lead character Elsa come out as gay and acquire a girlfriend.

Now I’m going to sidestep the potential Elsa is a strong independent woman and therefore must be a lesbian debate.’ Much as i’m going to sidestep that Frozen to make has always looked like a bit of an X-Men rip-off to me. Instead i’m going to focus on LGBT representation in Disney products.

Because there isn’t any.

Not in the Marvel Cinematic Universe (Marvel is owned by Disney)

Nor in the Star Wars universe (Ditto)

Nor (as far as I am aware) in any of the millions of films Disney has released, stretching all the way back to Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs 

And that’s ridiculous.

I understand that to make Elsa (or indeed any other character) gay would cause some controversy, but we live in a world in which Zootopia was released and if Disney can released something as ‘adult’ as that, how can making a character gay hurt?

Indeed, the people that would be upset about this ‘revelation’ have already tried to make this controversial and failed completely. And I honestly feel that it wouldn’t affect ticket sales in a negative fashion. Most people have gay friends/family and the world hasn’t ended. And it would be good for children struggling with their sexuality and feeling isolated to know that they are not alone and that there are other people out there like them.

Because now that I think about it, I really can’t think of any gay characters in films or TV aged at children.

Can you?

Captain America: Civil War Review

You know Marvel- there’s being good at something and then there’s just plain showing off. But if this is your apology for Avengers: Age of CGI AND managing to break Joss Wheedon then I accept it completely. Just don’t let it happen again.

This isn’t a good film, this isn’t a great film- according to IMDB it’s the 80th greatest film of all time and I think it’s the second best blockbuster I’ve ever seen after Mad Max Fury Road. 

Which puts me in something of a quandary- I’m a critic. I’m meant to criticize but the only criticism I can level is that the characters seem to survive things that should turn them into jam  and that the locations are announced with words that take up the whole screen rather than being placed in one of the bottom corners. That’s it! Even I can’t get that petty.

Hell, Marvel even seems to have realized that they can’t create a decent villain and have gotten around that by not really bothering with one. There’s a ‘make the plot move’ guy but I wouldn’t call him a villain.

The action is intense and fast paced. The directors (who also brought us  Captain America:Winter Soldier) have kept the CGI to a minimum and brought actual physical stunts to a maximum.

The film flows logically and builds to an incredibly inventive fight scene at an airport where every characters deploys their abilities to the maximum. Oh and did I mention unlike some other films I could mention this one juggles it’s huge cast effectively and doesn’t desperately throw new characters at us in a desperate bid to keep us involved?

Its a deeper plot than the other Marvel films showing that the Freedom Versus Security isn’t going anywhere and probably never will. And that neither side is completely in the right or wrong.

Enough gushing. You and I both know where this is going.

My Score- See It Now!

 

What Happened to Batman V Superman?

Whats that?

Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Migraines is tanking at the box office despite having the seventh biggest opening of all-time in the US, (ahead of The Dark Knight Rises), the biggest opening for a superhero film (ahead of all three Avengers films) and then…. broke Fan4stics record for the worst Friday to Sunday drop in modern box office history with a 58% decline.

It’s almost as if the critics know what the’re talking about!

No-body was surprised at the opening weekends gross. A gazillion dollar film starring two of the most bankable characters in history had no right to be anything else. And no-body should have been surprised at the drop-off.

The film suffered from toxic word of mouth and reviews, most of which cited bizarre casting decisions, a sloppy script, tonal shifts, was no fun to watch and generally left audiences bewildered and numb. (Purely from personal experience, whilst everybody that I know who wanted to see the film have seen it, no-body wants to go and see it again. Compare that to The Force Awakens where people were seeing it multiple times.)

However, the film has still made a mind tormentingly huge pile of money (785.5 million dollars as of 13/4/05) but that is no-where near as much as it was expected to make. Remember, this film cost 250 million and allegedly had another 150 million spent on marketing and advertising. Meaning that, adjusted for inflation, Man Of Steel made a higher profit.

Don’t forget, that this film featured DC’s superstars. With more obscure heroes to get their own films before the mega crossover film Justice League Warner Brothers should be sweating.

And yet the wrong lessons seem to have been learnt.

Warner Brothers has cultivated a reputation for mid-budget, adult-oriented filmmaking. And it’s a strategy that’s continued to reap rewards; their recent hits have included Magic Mike ($167 million worldwide box office on a $7 million budget), Magic Mike XXL ($122 million on $14.8 million), Argo($232 million on $44.5 million), 42 ($95 million on $40 million), Her ($47 million on $23 million), American Sniper ($547 million on $58.8 million), The Intern ($194 million on $35 million), and Creed ($137 million on $35 million). Which means that the odd flop such as the frankly baffling Inherent Vice hasn’t really hurt anybody.

However, Warner Brothers has decided to opt for the high risk, high reward strategy of tent-pole or franchise launching films. And for every one that works, theres half a dozen that flop taking that risk taking studios with them, (E.g. Jack the Giant Slayer, Pan, In the Heart of the Sea, The Man from U.N.C.L.E. Jupiter Ascending, Seventh Son….) an approach that is working for Marvel since that studio took its time and remembered to produce enjoyable films that people can stand to re-watch but take WB away from the adult films that it has been producing.

In time, this film will probably make a decent sized profit, and nothing will stop the mega-budget blockbusters from coming, but with the amount of money that was lavished upon this film, to say nothing of the rumors that Suicide Squad is having millions spent on re-shoots to make it funny, we have to ask, do we want nothing bu the occasional event film and micro-indie budget films or do we want some mid-budget but good films as well?

And no, a 3 hour ‘Hard R’ rated version of Batman V Superman being released to theaters isn’t going to help anybody.

Batman Vs Superman Dawn of Justice Review

Honestly.

I go away for a week and the entire internet rips itself in two over some Zac Snyder film.

And I can’t work out why.

No, fellow critics, this is not the worst thing in the history of the world

No, audience members, it is not the best thing since tummy rubs.

It’s fine. Is did nothing particularly well , but it did nothing particularly badly either. It just was.

First things first, Ben Afflecks performance is amazing as Bruce Wayne/Batman, he deserves all of the praise he’s getting as he pretty much elevates this film above the dross that it rightfully should be. Gal Gadots fine as Wonder Woman and Henry Cavill as Superman? All i’ll say is that since Superman is an overpowered lump of magnolia with muscles it makes sense to cast a lump of magnolia with muscles in the role.

Why Jesse Eisenburg chose to portray Lex Luthor as some sort of demented Doctor Who is anyone’s guess.

You can break the film into two halves, cod philosophy and numerous plot threads (foreshadowing, so much foreshadowing…) that don’t go anywhere and then at about the half-way point, Mr. Snyder suddenly snapped, yelled “bored now” and the rest of the film de-evolves into CGI creatures punching each other and my girlfriend and I got to play ‘guess what the next line of dialogue will be.’ We both lost because we both won so much.

I don’t know what else to say. It’s a Zac Syder film, you could ask him to remake Pride and Prejudice and it would be slow-motion action packed with all the color drained out of it. See one and you’ve seen them all.

It dark, grey, should have been a 15 and I have no desire to ever see it ever again.

And that goes double for the threatened 3 hour version that might be coming out soon.

My Score- If Nothing Else

 

Attack in Brussels- A Response

I don’t feel like writing about films today.

I did when I got up.

When I was in the shower.

When I was brushing my teeth and having my first cup of tea.

My friend who proofreads all my articles before I hit ‘Publish’ was good to go.

And then I turned the news.

And saw what was happening in Brussels

And all of a sudden my opinion of 10 Cloverfield Lane and High Rise (which I had spent hours crafting and perfecting) seemed… irrelevant somehow.

And, as always when I see these types of events, my heart went out to the victims, and, as always, quotes from The Siege came to my mind.

Anthony ‘Hub’ Hubbard: Come on General, you’ve lost men, I’ve lost men, but you – you, you *can’t* do this! What, what if they don’t even want the sheik, have you considered that? What if what they really want is for us to herd our children into stadiums like we’re doing? And put soldiers on the street and have Americans looking over their shoulders? Bend the law, shred the Constitution just a little bit? Because if we torture him, General, we do that and everything we have fought, and bled, and died for is over. And they’ve won. They’ve already won!

Anthony ‘Hub’ Hubbard: [to General Devereaux during the Mexican standoff] You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to a fair trial. You have the right not to be tortured, not to be murdered, rights that you took away from Tariq Husseini. You have those rights because of the men who came before you who wore that uniform. Because of the men and women who are standing here right now waiting for you to give them the order to fire. Give them the order, General.

Elise Kraft: It’s easy to tell the difference between right and wrong. What’s hard is choosing the wrong that’s more right.

However, like a TV show I’ve seen one to many times, I know the next few scenes. Sing with me now.

Sympathy, Muslim blaming (even though terrorists are a fraction of a fraction of a %), tighter regulations, more fear, more attacks, the wheel keeps on spinning. Long after you, me, and probably even our children are cold in the grave things like this will still keep happening.

There must be a way to stop things like this from happening. From labeling all those different to us as ‘wrong’ or ‘evil’ until then, we just do what we would normally do, we go out, eat, drink, see films. Do all the things that the people attacking us don’t wan’t us to do.

Because if we give in to fear, then the attacks today were successful

If we give in to hate then the attacks today were successful

If we blame those different to us with only our prejudice as evidence then the attacks today were successful.

These were not the first attacks on an innocent city and they will not be the last but we can make them the exercise in barbaric impotence that they deserve to be treated as.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some reviews to write.

Daredevil Season 2 Review

Cast

Series cast summary:
Charlie Cox Charlie Cox
 Matt Murdock / … (26 episodes, 2015-2016)
Deborah Ann Woll Deborah Ann Woll
 Karen Page (26 episodes, 2015-2016)
Elden Henson Elden Henson
 Foggy Nelson (26 episodes, 2015-2016)
Vincent D'Onofrio Vincent D’Onofrio
 Wilson Fisk (14 episodes, 2015-2016)
Royce Johnson Royce Johnson
 Sgt. Brett Mahoney (14 episodes, 2015-2016)
Jon Bernthal Jon Bernthal
 Frank Castle (12 episodes, 2016)

I’m going deaf in my old age.

No, seriously, stone deaf.

Too many films with explosions in, that’s my issue.

Well, it’s either that or every single person in Daredevil is trying to show how important and meaningful their dialogue is by barely even whispering it. Seriously, I had my TV’s volume almost up to full and I could still barely hear anything- Which didn’t help my relationship with my neighbors when a gun was fired mid-scene.

Aside from that minor niggle, and a certain amount of padding around the middle of the series, this is another amazing series by Netflix. There’s a reason that this is on IMDB as the 63rd best TV show ever.

Set several months after the first season, this time we see Matt Murdock (played astoundingly by Charliee Cox) attempting to juggle his legal responsibilities with the rise of The Punisher ( Jon Bernthal), the return of ex-flame Elektra (Elodie Yung) and the rise of The Hand, a group of ninjas who might have supernatural abilities.

The acting is uniformly amazing, with Cox delivering another stand-out performance as the titular character, but even among the supporting cast there’s nary a weak link to be found. And although it does have a few slower episodes, this is a more subtle telling than would be possible in a show released week-to-week and even those moments which seem out of place or pointless soon have a resolution or are made to make sense.

And it goes without saying that the action is incredible, with the series trademark one take action scenes and more traditionally edited fight scenes, not as frequent as would be expected, but making up for in quality what they lack in quantity.

I really did devour this over  a weekend and found myself suffering from ‘just one more’ even at 2 am.

What i’m going to do until the next Netflix show arrives I just don’t know…

My Score- See It Now