Men In Black International

“Hey, I was just wondering if you planned to review MIB?”

Asked a long suffering subscriber and I suddenly felt like I was back at school being asked if I planned on doing my maths homework when I already had one eye firmly fixed on my PlayStation.

Which should not be the reaction to reviewing what should be a fun little timewaster. I mean the original film was a fun buddy cop meets monster flick starring two leads with great chemistry, it’s like it’s their fault that the two sequels were respectively unwatchable and basically passable, was it?

Nor is it their fault that according to Sony, the first film (despite taking 600 million at the box office) technically still hasn’t turned a profit.

Hollywood- where the most creative people work in the accounts department.

Anyway, for those of you.who need a refresher, the Men in Black films feature a secret, unaccountable, agency who keeps the aliens living among us secret. Their films always feature an all powerful mcguffin which has the power to defeat a seemingly all powerful alien who has an allergy to weapons, armour or anything that might give them an edge in combat against some sharp suited squishy humans.

And it’s nice to see that some things never change. Despite an interesting idea (A mole in MIB), there is still a hunt for an all powerful mcguffin which has the power to defeat a seemingly all powerful alien who has an allergy to weapons, armour or anything that might give them an edge in combat against some sharp suited, squishy humans.

Which is the first on a very long list of disappointments that this film heaps upon it’s audience.

Yes, Thor and Valkyrie still have good chemistry together but their so rarely together, their either with other MIB or an irritating little CGI… thing who I’m convinced exists purely to sell toys.

Hell, this films so bland that when I checked Wikpeida, it wasn’t for production notes, director, budget, etc. It was in the hope that someone could tell me what in the name of Zhoul was going on.

There was a whole 15-20 minute segment featuring the worst use Rebecca Ferguson I’ve ever seen that could have been safely left on the cutting room floor. Naturally our heros get framed and have to go on the run from MIB which could have lent a cool Jason Bourne air to the whole thing but it also goes nowhere and could have been left safely on the cutting room floor.

What else…

Well, I hesitate to say that the action scenes sucked because I’m not entirely sure that this film HAD action sequences. I mean, there were scenes where guns went bang and other where people made sort of punching type motions and then other people fell over but it was so over edited and I so so uninvested in the whole thing, they might well have been showing off particularly aggressive forms of chiropracting to each other.
Oh, and all together now… “the best bits were in the trailer.”

Which, given that the trailer is about two and a half minutes long and this film clocks in at an almost punishing two hours long (When it has no business being over 100 at the longest.) Shows that maybe you should let the accountants write the next one as this one isn’t going to turn a profit through being unwanted, unwelcome, unimpressive and uninteresting as opposed to being a reason to give them all energy powder and tax deductible bonuses.

I mean, I do like this world and it is a good idea in principle but overall, it’s as memorable as… well?? I would say a flash from a neuraliser but since that’s already been used in over 75! Other reviews, I’ll just say it’s a bland, dull, pointless remake from a company desperately throwing all its franchises with the slightest hint of name recognition at the walls and leave it at that.

In other words? Just go see Godzilla.

MY SCORE- Skip It.

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Carry On Up The Oceans 11 Remake

You ever read something and then check the date to make sure that it’s not April 1?

That’s happened to me twice today and in both times my reaction was little more than a resigned shrug because whilst in retrospect I should have expected them to happen, I guess I just figured that they were a few years down the line.

Because not only is Oceans 11 being rebooted with an all female cast, but the Carry On films are coming back.

My reactions to the Oceans 11 reboot are the same as I had for Ghostbusters. Why? How much? And, does this film really need to exist? It’s a reboot of a reboot (the Rat Pack did it first back in the sixties) And even if it does star Jennifer Lawrence (whocandonowrongever) will it copy the first one which was as cool as a Polar Bear with sunglasses or the un-watchable sequels that followed it?

Personally, I don’t care if it’s an all man/woman/turkey cast  I just want a good script, story and characters. So I’ll watch this with interest.

The other shock of the day (which sent every critic I know into sheer terror driven sobs of panic) is that the Carry On films are coming back.

For those of you unaware of this franchise (and how I envy you.) Carry On was a series of 31 low-budget ‘comedy’ pictures that lasted from 1958-1992 and can best be described as the type of humor that your uncle thinks he can get away with after a few glasses of wine.

The series peaked with Carry On Screaming in 1966 and went downhill from there. They are still shown on British TV to this day, although mostly as a warning from history.

Nowt though, the team behind second rate Friends knock off Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps are threatening to bring the series back to the big screen. Now to be fair, they have stated “We are making a new entry in the series with love and care: it isn’t a remake or an attempt to reinvent the wheel.

We’re looking to create a whole new ensemble of brilliant British comedic actors. No stunt casting. No big American stars. This will be British film at its best, as the truly remarkable heritage deserves.”

But the series humor is very much of its time with a set of stars that had their own chemistry and to be honest… this series belongs in the past. Aside from at Christmas when the nation remembers the terrible, awful things we’ve done in the name of ‘entertainment’

 

 

Godzilla vs. King Kong Isn’t going to work.

I love old monster movies. The original King Kong is one of my favorite films, and I will never stop loving the work of Ray Harryhausen, nor will I ever stop loving Godzilla, despite Hollywood’s best efforts. So when I heard that the two most legendary monsters were going to square off Aliens Vs. Predator style, I rushed to my laptop and immediately started trying to book my tickets right?

Wrong

Wrong

wrong

wrong wrong wrong

Did I say wrong?

This film isn’t going to work. I’m still going to see it, but I just can’t see it being any good.

And here are my reasons why.

It’s not set in the Pacific Rim universe.

It won’t be about the monsters. Going back to Alien Vs Predator, you see that the creatures actually feature very little in the film, most of the time is spent setting up human characters/red-shirts that we didn’t care about and it’ll be the same here. Even in his own movie, Godzilla was on screen very little and that’s because CGI is expensive, doubly so with Kong.

It’s not going to be a fair fight-Godzilla is the size of a skyscraper with atomic breath and regeneration abilities, King Kong is about a third to a half of the size and covered in flammable hair. And yes, i’m well aware that Kong won the last time they faced off, but that was in a cheap and cheerful 70’s film. In a film like this? Where Godzillas height is already established? Either Kong is going in for an upgrade or this will be the shortest fight in history.

It’s going to look like a video game– This is more of a general gripe than about this film, but not matter how good CGI gets, it’s never going to look real and after a while the eye does start to tire. Look at the finale of the Avengers, hundreds of millions of dollars spent on CGI and it still looks poor. Unless the fight is short, its gonig to wear out its welcome very quickly.

No-one is going to win- Again, I am aware that Kong kill Godzilla in a previous film, but now? In a franchise that is going to need to take billions in order to be worth anyone’s time? It’s like in the upcoming Batman vs. Superman film, no-one is going to win, it will be fought to a draw, or one will appear to die and at the end of the credits they will take a breath or vanish from where their body fell.

Where is the demand for this film? Godzilla barely scraped in a profit, and I can’t see Skull Island doing much better. Whilst the world is vaguely aware of these characters, and they have rabid fan-bases are they large enough to sustain a series that’s going to need 5-10 years to run it’s course? AVP made money because it was cheap to make (60 Million) this is going to cost hundreds of millions.

Dracula Untold– For those of you that don’t know, Dracula Untold was supposed to reboot the classic Universal Studios Monsters Universe (The Wolfman, The Mummy, Frankenstein etc.) It didn’t do so well and now that franchise is on hold. And the budget for that? 70 million, a fraction of Skull Island, Godzilla 2 and Kong vs. Godzilla. The signs don’t look good. But what do you guys think? Will this work? Or is it doomed to failure?