Madam Wed Film Review

Sony…

Is this a tax thing?

Or is it like when you made that Fantastic Four movie back in 1994 purely to keep the rights to the characters? I mean at least you had the decency not to release that one.

Or has someone kidnapped one of your executive kids and has threatened to kill them if you don’t keep churning out terrible super-hero films?

I mean, you don’t seem to want to release these things, no-one particularly wants to see them, the actors don’t seem to have enjoyed anything other than the pay check. I mean poor Dakota Johnson – who seems to have wished on a monkeys paw to be a movie star but can only star in unwatchable drokk that comes out around Valentines Day. I mean she allegedly left over this debacle, not 50 shades, Madam Web.

It’s not like you put together a dream team behind the camera either. Director S.J. Clarkson has worked purely in TV – which may explain why this whole thing feels like the first episode of a mid-budget CW show. The writers… The writers the writers the writers…. Somehow four people allegedly wrote this film (shockingly Alan Smithee wasn’t one of them ) and the only two who’s names I could click on Wikipedia were responsible for Dracula Untold, The Last Witch Hunter, Gods of Egypt, Morbius and Madame Web.

Yeah… The signs for this one weren’t good.

But, every film deserves to be seen on its own merits and the fact that this is a standalone film in it’s own universe (I truly hate that I have to specify this but it’s nice to know that you can go in ‘blind’ and not worry about feeling like you’ve missed anything.) Is somewhat refreshing.

Well, I think that covers all the positives, lets get back to business.

Apparently this film has been rewritten and reshot to hell and back which normally results in a film coming in to the 90 -100 minute mark but instead this film comes in at nearly two hours? Why? A film this simple should easily be an hour and a half long. And no longer.

And I do mean simple, essentially, Dakota Web has to save three insufferable brats from a Spider-terminator whilst at the same time dealing with the fact that she’s started to glimpse the future. There’s a few other bits a bobs, a random group of Spider-Cenobites keep turning up to do nothing but repeatedly beat us over the head with the same tedious exposition in a film where the dialogue is seemingly nothing but stilted, repetitive, delivered like I’m in a Shamalan film exposition and references to one character’s un-named nephew.

The guys name is Ben Parker…. Gee, I wonder what his nephew will be called? Oh, he won’t because of… I’m going to guess legal reasons?

Anyway, the saving point of any super-hero film is our villain, our dark Spider…. Ceiling guy. What? Don’t look at me like that, the film calls him Ceiling Guy, why, I couldn’t tell you but I’m just going to assume lawyers again. But he’s got the usual spread of powers, speed, strength, agility and the ability to produce poison from his hands of whatever strength and lethality the script needs at that point in time.    

He’s trying to kill our insufferable leads because at some point in the future, our leads (I think they had names but it doesn’t really matter, Johnson could be protecting 3 pot plants for all they actually do in the film) are going to acquire spider powers and kill him, so he’s going to kill them first. So I’m just going to quote Kung Fu- Panda 2 Panda Harder and move on “One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it.” Because I fully support him in his mission.

Also, the three don’t get any powers in this film, they only appear kitted up in dream sequences. Maybe Sony thinks they can make a series out of this and I wish them the best of luck with that. Like I said, this film feels like the beginning of a TV show but it isn’t. It’s a mid budget film with nothing to recommend about it. It’s too dull to become a so-bad-it’s-good film, it doesn’t need to be watched to understand Venom 3: Venom Hard with a Vengeance, it’s just sort of there.

And very shortly it won’t be.

What passes for action scenes are generally very dull, boring car chases, the physical action scenes are terrible, there’s the most obvious product placement for Pepsi I’ve seen since World War Z (2013) and they couldn’t even be bothered to put in any end credits scenes.

I mean, they cut “that” trailer line out of the actual film and we can’t even convince Sony to re-release it again like we did with Morbius.

Am I done?

Yeah, I think I’m done. Whatever Sony thinks it’s playing at, can it please stop because these films are just getting duller and duller. I can’t even call this “The Cats (2019) of super-hero films” like the folks at Rolling Stone did because it’s not even that interesting, and I think that’s because the budget ($80 million) seems too low for what the director wanted to do, or all the reshoots soaked up all the cash and she was forced to do whatever she could with the 83p that was left.  

 Yes, this film is less interesting than Cats (2019) I mean, that WILL generate a cult-following in time. You mark my words. This won’t though. This is just going to be fodder for listicles of “Worst Superhero films ever” forever and ever amen.

I just hope everyone got paid and Dakota Johnson finds a way to break her curse soon.

My Score- Bomb

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 Film Review

Before I get started on the latest offering from Marvel starring a bunch of CGI and the anti-Tom Cruise, (an actor whose blandness is bent by the studio into any shape they wish, as opposed to using their blandness to bend the studio to theirs) pottering about in the one place that hasn’t been corrupted by capitalism- space. We first have to talk about film classification.

You see, some parents believe that their poor, innocent, ickle tykes have been traumatized that a film rated 12a (Which has permitted children under twelve to see films provided they are accompanied by a responsible adult.) So for them, let me just clarify,

15 and 18 rated films cannot be seen by anyone under those ages.

U or Universal films such as Watership Down are ‘Universal’ and suitable for everyone.

PG Or Parental Guidance films such as who Framed Roger Rabbit admit anyone, although the PG certificate contains an implicit warning that the film might contain material unsuitable for children.

And since Guardians of the Galaxy 3, Guard Hard With A Vengeance, is two and half hours long and directed by someone who’s got a background in horror (Slither) and horrible (Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed) director James Gunn has made a film that your 7 year old shouldn’t see but your 12 year old should.

Got it?

Now, on with the show.

I liked it, I liked it a lot.

I mean it’s an overstuffed mess with serval character’s that could go with no great loss to the film (Looking at you Adam Warlock looking like someone who was spray painted by Essex’s 2^nd best spray tanner! When everyone else looks amazing.) And yes, it’s nice to see Malcom Reynolds back in space but erm…. Why was he looking like a Boobah? And given way, way too many lines for his one joke-character?

Whatever, it was very, very clear that Marvel just let Gunn of the leash for his last hurrah for good or ill.

And on the good, it’s nice to see the Guardians go up against an actual good villain for once in the High Evolutionary, who’s supervillain origin in the comics (according to Wikipedia) is that he’s from Manchester but here, he just sort of is. Which I like. No origin story, no sympathy, no redemption arc, just a moustache twirling villain with one eye on the nearest train timetable. Fantastic. I was starting to think decent villains were a lost art.

I also like the large practical sets, the toned-down but better in quality humour, (especially from Drax, a welcome relief after whatever they did to him in Guardians 2 Guard Harder) and the fact that this movie has a massive, massive heart.   

I mean, the plots simple enough – a McGuffin hunt with a ticking clock… sorry I mean our heroes have to get a widget which will save Rockets life after he gets attacked by The Only Way Is you guys are getting paid.

It’s fun, with a massive heart, and Rockets prequel story could pretty much have been a fantastic film in it’s own right and is rightfully winning plaudits from all sides.

The actions good, I loved the dog but… The usual grumbles apply.

It’s too long. Another trip round the editing suite wouldn’t have hurt. If you go in blind then you’ll not have much of a clue what’s going on, everyone’s taken their invincibility pills this morning, it’s too long, there are too many characters and it’s way too long.  

But it’s the best Marvel film for ages and it’s a sign that the reborn DCEU is in good hands with a guy who clearly loves comic book films and thankfully has a Dark Knight free top 5 superhero films.

Just leave your seven year olds at home, Ok?

My Score See It

The Three Musketeers: D’Artagnan Film Review

I feel like it’s some sort of law that every ten years or so you have to have another go at remaking something to do with Andre Dumas Musketeers, a bunch of 17^th century heroes who hang around with the king of France getting in and out of trouble with lots of swashbuckling, daring do, colourful character’s, high stakes yada yada yada.

In my youth that version was the unwatchable mess starring Leonardo Di Caprio, about a decade ago we got the 3d mess starring James Corden, a punch of flying ships, filmed the whole thing in 3d and yet somehow, and, I swear this is true, I once read an article where David filming Lynch declared it one of his films of the decade! Naturally I can’t find said article but I swear on my script editor’s life that I read it.     

Anyway, this decade’s attempt is different on several levels from both of those unwatchable disasters. For a start its’ in French. Which makes sense, it’s a French film, made in France, starring Eva Green and several people who aren’t Eva Green. But I feel that this alone will doom the film amongst the unwatched masses who long ago traded the ability to read for the ability to enjoy the repetitive CGI infested sludge masquerading as blockbusters that Hollywood routinely pours into their eyes  

That 15 rating isn’t going to help in the UK either. Film like this should top out at a 12a because that’s where your going to get bums on seats. Families going to see a film together which they remember from their youth being full of swashbuckling, daring do, colourful character’s, high stakes, yada yada yada. And in theory it could have filled a nice hole in modern cinema especially since blockbusters appear to be taking a few weeks off.

But let’s leave aside the fact that it’s in the wrong language to do well here, it’s in the wrong rating to do well here and the fact that there’s no marketing and advertising that I’ve been able to spot.

Its also not a very good film. With some of the worst day for night filming I think I’ve ever seen. Film, I was more convinced it was night-time the last time I put some sunglasses on during a baking July day.

Well, actually, that’s not entirely fair. There’s a lot here to like, Eva Green is a very good Milady D Winter, although she suffers from one of the major issues in this film. But I’ll get to that later. The rest of the cast is passable but I felt that the cardinal was miscast as not quite slimy and smarmy enough.

Plus, well, the action sucked. And in a swashbuckling adventure film that’s sort of an issue. I mean the sound design of the film is fantastic with every pistol shot sounding like a cannon but it’s wasted. The director has a thing for long, single take fight scenes which didn’t work for The Last Airbender and it isn’t working now. It also doesn’t work they their following the Jason Bourne approach of shakey cam, close ups, and me having no idea what the living film is going on.

I’d buy shares in aspirin companies if I thought this film was going to bring that back. But I don’t, so I won’t.

But I think my main issue with this film is that I didn’t have any fun.

All the ingredients are there, the story and characters have stood the test of time but this version is Musketeers Begins. I mean, is French cinema just a decade behind English cinema? Because I’m getting the vibe that this should have been released ten to fifteen years ago. Its dark (both in tone and visuals), gritty, serious, shakey cam filled and it’s also got the biggest hint that it’s a part one since that Marvel movie where the single dad ended world hunger with his rock collection.

But there were some moments I liked, even if it did seem to be labouring under being an origin film, a setup for part two film, a film that doesn’t really seem to get going until the second act but a film with some good moments, not enough to make me excited for part 2, but enough that I’ll probably check it out. Because ending films on cliff-hangers gets my but back into the seat.

But that still doesn’t change the fact that if I do want a fun, exciting, swashbuckling film then the Mask of Zorro hasn’t gone anywhere.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to see if I can find what Lynch was talking about.

My Score- If Nothing Else

Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves Film Review

Hands up all those who think cinema needs another CGI infested overwritten, quippy franchise based on a decades old IP where the villain doesn’t really pose a threat to so much as is something to be quipped at after several vaguely entertaining CGI infested quippy action sequences?

Well, good news because Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves is here for you! And just you. Because I think that there are quite enough CGI infested overwritten, quippy franchises based on a decades old IP where the villain doesn’t really pose a threat to so much as is something to be quipped at after several vaguely entertaining CGI infested quippy action sequences, but that’s just me.

For those unaware, Dungeon and Dragons is a way to summon Satan so that you can pledge your allegiance to him for reasons known only between you and the Prince of Darkness all the while masquerading as a tabletop role playing game.

Now obviously this is not the first D and D (as the cool kids call it) film. There was a ‘film’ (Mazes and Monsters- really not worth it) released in 1982 which is notable only for being Tom Hanks first leading role. Then, there was the 2000 film which was awful in the best possible way, a made for TV trilogy and now we have Dungeons and Dragons Honour Among Thieves – shouldn’t that be amongst? Among just doesn’t seem to sit right with me.

Anyway, Settlers of Catan isn’t based on any of those films and since I’ve never played the games, I can only tell you that it’s fine.

It’s not great, It’s not awful, it’s on, it’s entertaining and then it went away. It’s a perfectly functional product starring perfectly functional actors lead by the most wooden of all the Chris’s – Chris Pine (get it? Wooden – Pine? I’ll get my coat.)

Now, you would think from the adverts that it was a Guardians of the Galaxy style film about a group of losers teaming up to stop a big bad who they accidentally gave some sort of world ending McGuffin to a big bad that they then have to stop. And Hugh Grant is there for some reason.

Instead what you’ve got here is a Guardians of the Galaxy stye film about a group of losers teaming up to stop Hugh Grant from running on with Pine’s daughter. And a big bad who they accidentally gave some sort of world ending McGuffin to is there for some reason.

Yeah, that’s one of the films main issues. In so far as perfectly functional products have issues.

Look, the closest I’ve every gotten to playing Dungeons and Dragons is watching Stranger Things. I have no idea of the lore or character’s, or different classes, I get the feeling that there were a lot of nods to that sort of thing because of the reaction of my audience to certain words and phrases.

Mostly I was just confused.

Because the action was fine, the CGI was fine, the cast was fine, there was too much of the terrible over-written dialogue that infests so many modern blockbusters these days where the scriptwriters either have one eye on going to work in the MCU or have recently left it.

No, instead I was wondering how you can set up at great, length flashback length that in this world there is a group of evil wizards who have a McGuffin that can create a red mist which turns everyone into zombies and have them feel so…. Pointless. I could have removed them completely from the plot and nothing would have issued bar the third act CGI punch up to wrap this whole thing up but surely there’s an orc or something that could have been used as a henchman?

Because I liked the films actual main plot where Pine has to try to save his daughter from Hugh Grant (Still playing the slightly creepy villain from Paddington 2: Paddington Harder/ The Gentleman/ A Very British Scandal) a con-man who’s spent years pouring poison into the daughter’s ears turning her against him. At the same time ruling over the land of Far-Far Away which he became lord of via… plot. I forget why.

You try remembering this thing.

I just feel that you might want to keep the zombie plague group of fashion disasters for a sequel after hinting at them in this film where were getting used to this world or, have them be the main focus? Either or. Either you have the world ending plot or the intimate family plot. Pick a lane.

I mean the middle of the film, where our leads chase after various helmets and medallions of izzy whizzy lets get busy because no-one in this world can think of anything better to do then enchant every random thing they see, seems pretty indifferent to which plot thread it’s helping to wrap up. It’s got some good scenes and funny moments but the one I’m going to remember the longest is pretty much a rip-off of one of the best scenes in Hellboy (2004- the 2019 one had NO good scenes)

So yeah, Settlers of Catan: Paramount Really Needs A New Franchise is a good fun functional franchise opener which just needs to remove a world ending threat in favour of getting rid of Hugh Grant.

 Just don’t expect to remember it the next morning.

My Score- If Nothing Else

John Wick 4 Film Review

And so we return to ongoing adventures of John Wick, arguably the most lethal character in cinematic history who, as far as I can tell, is basically in trouble for coming back off of gardening leave.

Now, I think my reaction to this franchise is the same as most peoples, I was blown away by the first, loved the second and felt that the third was overlong, baggy, full of story beats that could be cut and way, way too many McGuffins and Doodads.

So, when I saw that this film was a Lord of the Rings long, my initial response was that it was going to be more of the same, with widgets and fidgets, an unstoppable protagonist and a screenplay that could have easily been half an hour shorter.

I’ll say I was half right

Thankfully, all the McGuffins have been dialled back to a more tolerable level. There are still several story beats that could have been taken out, sadly one involving a really interesting and fun side character could have been removed completely and the pace picked up a bit because a film like this does not need to be a Lord of the Rings long. Lord of the Rings didn’t need to be a Lord of the Rings long. Cut out a story beat or two, pick up the pace a little and this could have been a tight two, two fifteen which I think is a much better runtime for this sort of film.

I mean yes, this film still looks gorgeous, every single character is fun and interesting, the fights, though overlong are still exciting and varied. But Wick is still overpowered, to the extent where, at one point in the film where Wick is doing an amazing impersonation of a human slinky, my audience almost to a person, just burst out laughing.

Look, you can put as many The Warrior references into the film as you like, but at the end of the day, if a film is overlong and the audience are laughing at what I think is meant to be our leads last, desperate attempt to overcome impossible odds then maybe you could tweak it a bit?

To be honest, watching this film feels like watching a movie made from cut scenes from a video game. Wicks goal is X, but first he has to talk to Y, who asks him to do a fetch quest or kill someone else and after a while, I was wondering if this film was a victim of it’s own success. Are there great and inventive moments here? Yes. Are there endless clips and scenes for YouTube to get excited about? Yes. But clips and scenes don’t make a movie.

Look, I had a lot of fun here and it doesn’t technically do anything wrong besides too much good stuff. Too many beautiful fight scenes, too many great shots, too many fun and interesting character’s, after a while I felt full. I wanted the film to get a wiggle on because the actual plot was very, very simple despite of all the side quests that all got resolved very, very quickly. Any two of them could have been removed and replaced with a single line of hand-wave dialogue.

It’s the kind of film where the person next to me could have several ten to fifteen-minute naps, wake up and still understand completely what was going on. Which is either the sign of a film being told perfectly or a film that doesn’t have a lot going on plot-wise despite having more actual non-green screen action than the last dozen MCU films put together.

Look, Is Keanu giving it his all? Yep.

Was I ever truly bored? Nope.

Will I ever watch it again on a lazy Saturday instead of the first two? Nope.

Should this be the last one? Yes. 100% yes.

Because at the end of the day. A single tight 100 minute film is worth countless bloated messes.

My Score- See It

Shazam! Fury of the Gods Film Review

Shazam 2: From Shazam With Love is a bigger definition of “Film that has been sent out to die” than Disneys Strange Worlds. I mean at least strange worlds had merch.

It’s not a high bar I know, but that’s my method for finding out if a studio has confidence in their latest product. I call it the ‘tat test.’ No tat (T-Shirts, funko pops, action figures tc.) No trust.

I mean it’s not like the signs were good, what marketing there was, was mediocre at best and very hard to spot compared to the marketing for every other large film that’s come out in the last few weeks. I mean several people I spoke to had no idea this film was coming out or even remembered the first one.

You’ve also got the fact that people who are tuned into this sort of thing know that James Gunn is about to reset this whole universe with The Flash movie in a few months.

And worst of all this film simply isn’t very good.

On paper it doesn’t do anything wrong- a bunch of bored looking actors (Lucy Liu, Dame Helen Mirren and Rachel Zegler) in ridiculous costumes are after a McGuffin that’s going to destroy the world and the only thing standing in their way is a way too large bunch of idiots in terrible costumes.

And that’s the film.

I mean, I rewatched the original before going into this and I was struck by how, whilst you did basically have a pretty standard superhero origin film it also had at it’s core a pretty solid independent film about someone trying to find a family – first biological and then foster which I really liked.

This film doesn’t have a B-plot. It’s barely got an A-plot (see above)

I’m not entirely sure that it’s got a main character either.

Now, being a bluff old traditionalist, I always thought that if someone was all over what little marketing I could find, is top of the IMDB/Wikipedia page then the film should be about them? Nope. I’m pretty sure that with very little effort I could reduce Sahazam from the lead to a sidekick. I mean he doesn’t really drive the plot, he doesn’t get a love interest, doesn’t get the majority of screentime and to be honest I didn’t really care for him.

I mean here is a character who’s supposed to have the wisdom of Solomon but instead has the wisdom of someone who finds Mrs. Browns Boys funny. He’s also supposed to have the courage of Achilles but I’d swap that out for the courage of the cowardly dog.

Instead, I’d make the case that the lead is  Freddy Freeman who gets the lead actor spot. He drices the plot, struggles with his powers and responsibilities, gets a love interest, gets the majority of the screentime and actually has an arc.

There are also some other Shazamers but I’m not 100% they all had names and could all have been very easily gotten rid of. I mean, why have a comic relief sentient pen (No, this is a thing that happens) If you could work out what to do with all of your alleged leads.

The second act drags, the third is overlong, repetitive, nothing you haven’t seen before and everyone just seems bored and desperate to get off set so that they can go back to acting.

I saw people sleeping, walking out and considered them lucky, because this is a film that could have been put out on streaming to no great loss. As opposed to releasing it onto the silver screen which HAS incurred a huge loss.

But whatever, like I said, this was film that was sent out to die. Was it missed around by the pandemic? Probably, as there is an attempt at a B-Plot which seems like it was meant to be something when the actors were a few years younger or maybe it got edited out to make room for more unfunny improv but at what I think was supposed to be the emotional high point of the movie I was less moved to tears and more vaguely confused.

So Yeah, Shazam 2: Wrath of the indifferent public, nothing you haven’t seen before, doesn’t really stand on it’s own as a fun superhero movie, is a serious downgrade in quality from the first and doesn’t even have the old Marvel fall back of ‘If you miss this then nothing that follows will make sense’

So I guess what I’m say is….

My Score- Skip It

Creed 3 Film Review

So, I think we’ve all agreed that sports movies peaked with 1993’s Cool Runnings, with 2019’s Ford v Ferrari a close second, right? And ever since then, sports movies have kind of stagnated for me. As a general rule, I find them very enjoyable, very formulaic and they work on me… carry the four…. Roughly 100% of the time, I laugh when I’m meant to, cry when I’m meant to and cheer when I’m meant to.

And I’ve enjoyed the Creed franchise a lot. Never been a fan of boxing but even I can understand that man punch man until man fall down is a solid idea to base a sport around. And it makes for some cracking fight scenes.

But even the Creed franchise and the Rocky franchise before it has been formulaic to the point of almost being a Saturday morning cartoon. New threat arises, our hero trains and then punches it until it either goes away or we learn our lesson of the lesson of the week. Usually something to do with family or picking your own battles. Whatever, it’s been focused tested and it works.

And, because of backstage ‘shenanigans’ Rocky Balboa doesn’t appear in this film allowing Creed 3: Creed Hard With A Vengeance to finally step out of his franchises shadow and become it’s own thing.

Which I’m supportive of. Michael B Jordan is a formidable force and this is an amazing directorial debut, with something happening in the last fifteen minutes which I thought was almost as cool as Sam Jackson in an icebox. Jonathon Majors – shrugging of whatever the film the MCU thinks it’s playing at – is truly a force of nature as Damian, the blast from the past who upends Creeds comfortable life pulling him back in just when he thought he had gotten out. I just wish they’d gotten more out of Tessa Thompsons storyline as a musician who has been forced to give up her one true love – performing live- in a bid to protect what remains of her hearing whilst Jordan gets to do what he loves for as long as wants to. I feel like that was a bit of a missed opportunity.

Not as big as the missed opportunity that was Jonathon Majors. And I know that I said back in the last paragraph was a force of nature – he is- but he’s also not really given a lot to work with- we’re lead to believe that he’s this hyper focused chess playing force who knows all your weaknesses and does whatever it takes to win but that’s all established in the first twenty to thirty minutes and then he just kind of vanishes for the back half of the film.

Which means that he’s never really given a chance to develop beyond the blast from the past villain, a piece or two of his game plan went by so quickly that I didn’t realise they’d happened until I read the Wikipedia entry for this review. And I’m not sure if this is meant to encourage rewatching or an inexperienced director not knowing what to highlight and when. Much like with Tessa Thompson, there’s a missed opportunity to develop this character.

Look, the fight scenes are amazing with a lot of influences from anime and the film passes its two hours well enough, but I just didn’t feel that it did enough. If it had spent ten minutes developing its villain, then instead of watching these fights we could feel these fights. If we knew more about their past, their failed attempts to become friends again before the past came between them then it would have been so much better, deeper, more effective.

But like I’ve said, it’s a sports movie and much like last years Star Wars remake – The Top Gun Strikes Back- it stick pretty close to a tried, true and effective formula.

If it just could have been so much more if it had taken fifteen minutes to develop two very important characters.

My Score- If Nothing Else

Jurassic World Dominion Film Review

What the everloving film is this!?!!?

How did we go from one of the best monster movies of all time to this…. This…. Well, I’m struggling to think of a better word than ‘disaster’.

I mean I can, but I do try not to use fowl language if at all possible.

And there’s nothing inherently wrong in trying to explore and the world that Jurassic Park is set in. I mean how would we react to the news that dinosaurs once again roam the Earth? What would be the moral and ethical issues? Would some charities try to brink back extinct or nearly extinct species and how would that work? Militaries would try to use it to enhance their soldiers or create more aggressive dogs to guard bases or any other countless, interesting, thought-provoking scenarios.

None of which this franchise has utilised to any great, medium or poor effect.

Which is a massive waste of time, effort and insane amount of money.

But for today’s debacle, I present you Jurassic World: The Alleged Final Fogging of a Dead Horse.  

Which I am in no doubt is going to keep the video essayist community in work for a long, long time.

But I do reviews, not essays so I’ll keep this brief.

Jurassic World: World Hard With A Vengeance feels like 2 average movies that have been badly edited together for no real purpose at all with a dollop of Mission Impossible/ Jason Bourne thrown in at the midpoint for no reason that I could figure out. In fact, you could cut out the entire midpoint set piece and lose nothing of any real value.

In fact, whilst we’ve got the scissors out, lets take it to the cast as well. Because I reckon with a quick couple of re-writes I could have completely taken out the legacy cast and nothing really would have changed. Except and here I don my best tinfoil hat- there would have been nothing to put in the trailers to excite people who have very fond memories of the first and not so much of anything that’s followed. So yeah, the legacy cast can go, the new dinosaur umm I think they called it sellalotoftoysasourus but I might be wrong. That can go, one of the plots can go either into another film or into a dustbin and whilst I’m at it, that new score can go as well.

Because why, when this franchise has arguably one of the most famous themes in history, did they not use it? Especially since what we were given was just so bland and non-descript?

Because when we actually discuss both of this films plots, they could have happened in the world of Jurassic Park and both of them could have been interesting to develop. In one corner you have super locusts who are about to cause a global famine but seem to have been bio-engineered to ignore certain types of crop and in the other corner we have the tying up of that cloning plot which came out of no-where in the last film.

Again, both of these could have worked on their own, if someone could recreate an extinct dinosaur, why not clone someone’s child that was taken before their time before getting into the messy ethics of rich people probably wanting to genetically engineer their perfect children.

But this film is so crammed, so rushed, so desperate to keep showing me dinosaurs and explosions and dinosaur explosions that I just grew numb to it all. Without a chance to breathe, process and understand, this film is just noise. Constant unending noise. New monsters are brought in, fought once and then never seen again. Except for the T-Rex. Obviously. And what I think is meant to be the new mega-dinosaur for our heroes to face off against but that’s something else that can go on the chopping block since they haven’t gotten enough time to explore or develop it properly.

Oh, and if this film did allegedly have some practical models, I didn’t spot them. Way too many CGI punches to the head and I’d long switched off before the Morlocs turned up.

I mean yes, Bryce Dallas Howard gives an amazing performance but that’s about as newsworthy as Crisp Rat giving an average one or James Corden a bad one. Oh, and what I think is meant to be the human villain is just in need of a complete re-cast and some rewriting to make them actually menacing and capable of the things that the film asks us to think that their capable of. That person would be out-menaced by a Red Panda with a bit of fruit.

So yeah, Jurassic World: Worldfinger is a complete and utter disaster on almost every level. If you want a film where many things go boom and other things go roar then yeah, this’ll do you. But if you want plots that make sense, character’s in a monster movie to actually be eaten by the!”$!”£!  monsters, effects that are understandable and enjoyable, character’s who are actually people and not one dimensional bits of cardboard that just do things to move the plot along. Take some serious scissors to this and it might have made two passable sequels.

But they didn’t.

So it isn’t.

My Score – Bomb  

Morbius Film Review

So, I’m trying to think of a worse vampire film than Morbius and I’m having to reach all the way back to 2009’s Lesbian Vampire Killers firstly, mostly because I haven’t seen those sparkly vampire films. Also I’ve got a soft spot for that terrible Gerard Butler one where it turns out that Count Dracula was actually Judas Escariot.

But what makes it so bad? Not bad in the fun kind of way like a Batman and Robin but just simply a bad film. It doesn’t have anything to say, or revolutionary storytelling tricks up its sleeve, the narrative is simple yet muddled, it’s full of unnecessary characters and it’s 104 minutes long when it should simply be 90 and done allowing me to get to the pub quicker.

And why it has a 15 rating simply baffles me. It’s so bloodless and tame that I would quite happily show it to 12-year-olds. I mean it’s so darkly shot that even if it was gory, they wouldn’t be able to see anything anyway.

But to set the scene, Morbius is a film from the Sony venom-verse (I think) but the director has hinted that it takes place in Andrew Garfield Amazing Spider-Man verse, but it wants to be in the MCU, so bad it hurts however at the end of the day none of it matters. This is your bog-standard person gets powers, person tries to figure out powers whilst dealing with evil twisted version of themselves with near identical powers and probably some sort of personal connection between them. You’ve seen it done before and you’ve seen it done so much better. The first Iron Man for example.

But whilst this dull, grey, boring slog of a film has so many issues- I swear to film that the scenes in the first ten minutes were actually out of order- I do have a lingering sort of sympathy for this because it’s been delayed so often. It was originally supposed to come out in July 2020, about a decade after it would have been relevant but then it got pushed back again, and again and again which also means reshoots because having interconnected films means that you have to make sure the references are right, so I guarantee there are roughly nine different versions of this film sat on nine different shelves, none of which are likely to be much better but might be slightly more coherent.

At least Matt Smith’s having a complete and utter blast. Apparently, he had no idea what was going on in the script (despite being able to make sense of scripts of Doctor Who) so instead seems to have decided to just see how much scenery one man can eat. Everyone else is taking this film very, very seriously so it’s easy for him to light up the screen when he’s on it and miss him when he isn’t.

I mean Leto’s doing his best here at portraying a man who’s accidentally turned himself into a vampire but this film is so shallow that I just didn’t feel anything. Also, I wasn’t too sure what his motivation was. Was he trying to cure himself? Learn to deal with his condition? Or was it multiple edits just making things muddled?

Tyrese Gibson turns up as a cop trying to make sense of what’s happening and he might originally have served some purpose in the narrative but here, he could have been cut completely and nothing would change. Same especially goes for his ‘wacky sidekick.’

And I didn’t even get to the terrible unconvincing CGI towards the third half of the movie yet, did I?

The final third of the movie is full of CGI which is overwhelming, unconvincing, so dark that I couldn’t even begin to work out what was going on but since the characterisation was so generic, I just didn’t care and since I didn’t know what each character’s power levels were, I didn’t know if either was actually doing damage to the other.

The ending sucks as well. Not just the end credit scenes which are as bad as their saying, but the film seems to just end when it needed another 5 minutes to tie up the films loose ends.

I mean there are some interesting non Matt Smith related moments, there’s a tense scene on a ship, there’s some interesting ideas here about what someone who found themselves in this situation would do, but nothing is explored, you don’t really care for anyone and the whole thing just feels very… checkbox. Scene of discovering powers? Check. Join me scene? Check. It’s all just so generic when it could have been interesting.

So…yeah, the long delayed Morbius is the same superhero origin flick you’ve gotten bored of long ago with neither the time nor inclination to delve into it’s moral implications or inexplicable 15 rating. Apart from Matt Smith it’s all very dull and serious and I just want to finish this so I can forget it ever existed.

Should take about 5 minutes.

I’ll see you next time.

My Score- Bomb

Skateway Massacre Film Review

Sometimes a single night can change your entire life.

They don’t start off as anything special, it might just be as simple as a few workmates grabbing some drinks after work, chatting, sharing their lives. Allowing the brash idealism of youth to crash into the wisdom and disappointments of those further down this road that we call life. Allowing plans to be created, ideas discussed and debated, dreams inflated or punctured.

The kind of nights that just seem magical once their over.

Skateway Massacre/ Death Rink is a film about such a night

It’s also got the worst slasher film I think I’ve ever seen jammed into it.

Which is annoying

Ok, down to brass tacks, Death Rink- (Skateway Massacre is far too grandiose for something as terrible as this. Plus I feel is should begin with the word The and it simply doesn’t) is a film about a group of people in a skate rink having a few drinks and occasionally being murdered by someone in a mask and jumper that they literally got from the lost and found. For most of the films truly pathetic 73 minute (including credits) runtime our meatsacks don’t seem to realise that their colleagues have shuffled off this mortal coil and don’t seem too distressed when they do notice.

I mean, this is a film where two warring halves are forced to live together in open warfare. On the good you have the aforementioned night that can change everything. On the other, you have people who Doctor Who extras would find suicidal being menaced by a lunatic with a knife that keeps getting covered in jam/ the worst fake blood I think I’ve ever seen and I’ve been in student films.

And I do mean lunatic. When our killer does get unmasked, their reasoning is pathetic even by slasher standard and just made me wince and think that there were ways to achieve their goal that wouldn’t involve messing up someone’s hair, let alone killing several people!

The acting is shocking, this film doesn’t seem to end so much as it simply ends which is sometimes what happens at the end of films like this, but here it just seemed that the director ran out of money and had to release whatever they had.

Not that I wanted this short to be any longer but at least give me an ending that feels like an ending, not like his friends had had enough and just wanted to get on with their day.

So at the end of the day, this film could -with a bit of polishing- been a bit of an indie darling. Instead, it’s a poorly plotted, acted, written and edited slasher of which I think I can safely say that there’s enough of in the world.

My Score- Bomb