Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 Film Review

Before I get started on the latest offering from Marvel starring a bunch of CGI and the anti-Tom Cruise, (an actor whose blandness is bent by the studio into any shape they wish, as opposed to using their blandness to bend the studio to theirs) pottering about in the one place that hasn’t been corrupted by capitalism- space. We first have to talk about film classification.

You see, some parents believe that their poor, innocent, ickle tykes have been traumatized that a film rated 12a (Which has permitted children under twelve to see films provided they are accompanied by a responsible adult.) So for them, let me just clarify,

15 and 18 rated films cannot be seen by anyone under those ages.

U or Universal films such as Watership Down are ‘Universal’ and suitable for everyone.

PG Or Parental Guidance films such as who Framed Roger Rabbit admit anyone, although the PG certificate contains an implicit warning that the film might contain material unsuitable for children.

And since Guardians of the Galaxy 3, Guard Hard With A Vengeance, is two and half hours long and directed by someone who’s got a background in horror (Slither) and horrible (Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed) director James Gunn has made a film that your 7 year old shouldn’t see but your 12 year old should.

Got it?

Now, on with the show.

I liked it, I liked it a lot.

I mean it’s an overstuffed mess with serval character’s that could go with no great loss to the film (Looking at you Adam Warlock looking like someone who was spray painted by Essex’s 2^nd best spray tanner! When everyone else looks amazing.) And yes, it’s nice to see Malcom Reynolds back in space but erm…. Why was he looking like a Boobah? And given way, way too many lines for his one joke-character?

Whatever, it was very, very clear that Marvel just let Gunn of the leash for his last hurrah for good or ill.

And on the good, it’s nice to see the Guardians go up against an actual good villain for once in the High Evolutionary, who’s supervillain origin in the comics (according to Wikipedia) is that he’s from Manchester but here, he just sort of is. Which I like. No origin story, no sympathy, no redemption arc, just a moustache twirling villain with one eye on the nearest train timetable. Fantastic. I was starting to think decent villains were a lost art.

I also like the large practical sets, the toned-down but better in quality humour, (especially from Drax, a welcome relief after whatever they did to him in Guardians 2 Guard Harder) and the fact that this movie has a massive, massive heart.   

I mean, the plots simple enough – a McGuffin hunt with a ticking clock… sorry I mean our heroes have to get a widget which will save Rockets life after he gets attacked by The Only Way Is you guys are getting paid.

It’s fun, with a massive heart, and Rockets prequel story could pretty much have been a fantastic film in it’s own right and is rightfully winning plaudits from all sides.

The actions good, I loved the dog but… The usual grumbles apply.

It’s too long. Another trip round the editing suite wouldn’t have hurt. If you go in blind then you’ll not have much of a clue what’s going on, everyone’s taken their invincibility pills this morning, it’s too long, there are too many characters and it’s way too long.  

But it’s the best Marvel film for ages and it’s a sign that the reborn DCEU is in good hands with a guy who clearly loves comic book films and thankfully has a Dark Knight free top 5 superhero films.

Just leave your seven year olds at home, Ok?

My Score See It

Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania Film Review

So, I once read of review of 1999’s classic monster movie “The Mummy” which, (as far as I can remember- it’s been a while) stated that CGI should be viewed like glace cherries on a Bakewell tart. Used sparingly, they can enhance a desert. Use too many, and the whole thing turns out rather sickly and unpleasant.

Ant Man 3, Ant Hard With A Vengeance, is nothing but glace cherries with maybe the odd crumb of tart thrown in every ten minutes or so.

I mean, there’s so, so much CGI that you could very, very easily have just made this a straight CGI film and I wouldn’t have noticed. It might even have made it better as your eye wouldn’t suddenly notice how much CGI of variable quality is on the screen.

That’s assuming that you can see the CGI of variable quality because at least for me, I could barely see what was going on as the film was so dark. Seriously, Disney, you have all the money in the world, could you not afford a few lightbulbs on set? How much does Paul Rudds anti-aging regime cost? Or is it down to the fact that you apparently overwork your CGI people to the extent that you don’t give them the time to do their jobs properly?

Is that why MODOK looks like something from a bad PS1 game? And speaking of MODOK, much like most the people working in the MCU, I’ve read very few Marvel comics- I’m more a Judge Dredd guy – and I’ve never read a one that’s he’s in. But I’m fairly certain he’s not a sidekick. Or created by Kang, or suddenly becomes a good guy. Whatever, I get you have to change things for live action and it’s so much easier to use a recognisable character then create your own.

Whatever. I’m sure you’d like to know what happens in this week’s episode of the MCU.
It’s setting up the big bad for the rest of this season.

Seriously, this whole film is just exposition, fight scene, exposition, fight scene. That’s it. There’s loads of stuff happening on screen but I just didn’t care. We didn’t get a chance to learn the names of the new people, let alone give a flying glace cherry about their struggles, wants and desires.
Allegedly the plot is that the Ant-Family (a way too large cast of human characters) get sent down to the quantum realm where Janet ( Michelle Pfeiffer) has a few dark secrets/ past that she’s been trying to keep from her family… yada yada yada. I’ll be honest, I was quite intrigued by the films first few minutes as Scott Lang tries to puzzle out what to do with his life going forward and trying to make sense of the last few years events. However, before that story gets a chance to breathe, we’re off to the races and it never really comes up again.

But like I said, this episodes real goal is to set up the new big bad – Kang – and to be honest I’m more scared of the Ninja Turtles villain Krang because at least he seemed to pose some sort of threat to our heroes. I mean, I get through a few YouTube videos that his history in the comics is somewhat complicated but you’d think a time traveller in a stolen time ship who gets exiled by his society for his constant meddling with time might pose something of a threat? I don’t know, maybe if they gave him a plot advancing screwdriver.

I mean the film does a good job of bigging him up to begin with, and Jonathon Masters is doing his best but he’s just not that threatening after the two-thirds point and not at all toward the end. Thanos (last seasons big bad) had PRESENCE, he was menacing, he had a plan and you could just feel him looming after the whole MCU, but Kang? He just looks like he could be defeated by a good hug, a cup of tea and a listening ear.

Oh, and the unique and beautiful quantum realm is seriously underused as a location. I wanted to explore that place and its people and all I got was a random Bill Murray Cameo.

Then you’ve got all the usual gripes- way too much humour undercutting everything, the third act is just two CGI armies slamming into each other with more steaks in a Vegan restaurant, there’s way too many indestructible heroes and after a while I just sat there numb wondering how that scene of Iron Man taking out a tank from mid-budget 2008 film looks so, so much better than a gazillion dollar movie in 2023.

One last thing, I always see Marvel movies on opening night surrounded by the Marvel fanboys, but even then, there were no cheers like when I saw Spiderman- too many cameos, MODOK inspired laughter when his face was revealed, walking out the atmosphere was tepid. People saw this film out of obligation, not desire. Not excitement. The best part of the last two Ant-Man films was playing with scale, using a van as a skateboard, turning a tank keychain into an actual tank. But here, there was nothing.
Just glace cherries as far as the eye can see.

My Score- Skip It

Thor Love and Thunder Film Review

Thor Love and Thunder is the MCU’s latest attempt to work out what the film it’s doing with itself now that Josh Brolin is no longer around and attempting to solve world hunger using his rock collection.

Whilst I did enjoy this film in parts, there were times when it just seemed to be in a rush to be over and done with itself. I mean, there’s enough here to make maybe three films but it’s all just crammed in with no space for each of this films threads to breathe.

I mean it’s fun and all, with any twelve-year-old going to go to this soon to discover their new favourite film, full of bright colours and flashy images with lots of gags, jokes and visual images, but it’s all just visual. Great for the eyes and ears but there were much more interesting ideas here that just weren’t developed.

I mean take Batman for example. No-ones told him that he’s in a fun goofy 80’s style movie, he thinks he’s in one of those 80’s movie where the whole point was to scare the living daylights out of any kidywinks who were somehow able to see it. He’s funny, scary, empathetic, with loads of really cool interesting and suspiciously varied powers which are amazing at moving the plot along and…. In the film for roughly ten minutes.
Which is kind of par for the course in these sort of MCU films, the villains more here to teach our hero’s a lesson rather than actually pose a threat in and of himself. Which is a shame as I feel that given some more screen time he could have been up there with Spider-Man 2’s Doc Oc in legendary villain circles.

Then you have the return of Natalie Portman’s Jane Foster in another thread that could have been a film in and of itself. A rather weighty film as well and you could feel the films gears clunking as it tried to balance it’s fun and goofy side with a completely different type of film which didn’t completely work in my book.

I mean Chris Hemsworth’s still great fun as Thor but it seems like he’s regressed since his last film, back to the goofy role rather than the person trying to find out who he is via a journey of self-discovery that was promised to us at the end of the last Avengers film.

In this film, I would have removed him completely and just had Batman going up against Queen Amidala, him determined to wipe out all the Gods and her, having recently being given the powers of a God, struggling to find her place and trying to work out if she should be a God at all.
But we don’t, all of Natalie’s character development as she adapts to her powers happens off screen.

Actually, a lot of things in this film happen off screen or just get sort of glossed over. But when your so determined to keep your film under the two-hour mark rather than doing a Batman and seriously outstaying it’s welcome by whacking an out of no-where fourth act onto your amazing three act movie, but that’s a rant for another time.
I mean if someone did want to cut something from the film then I’m afraid Maximus Decimus Meridius should fall to the cutting room floor. Not that I wasn’t entertained, it’s just that… you could have removed the entire segment and pretty much nothing would have changed apart from an accent that makes Dick Van Dykes from Mary Poppins sound authentic.
Actually, the person who decided that that accent was ok, can I have what your having? There’s a lot going on in the UK at the moment, what with the Sex Yeti currently squatting in Dowing Street leading a zombie government and whatever you where on was probably amazing.

Not as amazing as the amount of ambulance chasing lawyers getting work for all of the whiplash that people viewing this are going to get as the film careers from an almost indie film feel, to the bright colours and visuals we got from the last film and then were off into nightmare land for a few minutes because yeah, sure, why not?

Again, multiple threads, all rushed and a lot more that I would like to have seen being developed a lot more.

But, yeah, Thor: Love and Thunder is fun for twelve year olds but feels rushed and is a complete tonal nightmare. Don’t go in expecting some deep think piece on the human condition and everything should be fine and dandy.

My Score- If Nothing Else

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness Film Review

All empires fall. All cinematic universes inevitably crumple under their own weight and I’m wondering if From Strange With Love is where the rot starts to set in.

I mean I already went in with a bad taste in my mouth after our Mouse Overlord has confirmed which 4 “most important” mcu projects you should watch before seeing the filming thing  and even in what order to watch them!

1.) Doctor Strange

2.) WandaVision

3.) What If

4.) Spider-Man No Way Home

Naturally being a rebel without a clue (and up to date already ) I did no such thing and kept box setting the 007 collection on Prime.

And you know what? Even being up to date, I had only the vaguest idea what was going on.  And thanks to the ‘excitable’ berks in the seats next to me I even knew when to swoon and even who everyone was.

I swear, if you come into this having never seen a Marvel film before, you’d have an easier time figuring out Tenet than this thing.

Not that it’s complicated  it’s your basic ‘keep the thing from the bad guy ‘ film but it’s…

A mess.

It’s so fast paced that you never really know what’s happening in each scene or given a chance to absorb each new character before well…

Imagine trying to stop a terminator with a bunch of jelly babies and your pretty much there.

But being so fast paced and jumping from universe to universe means that director Sam Raimi can find lots of new worlds to play in for five minutes a scene before getting bored and jumping universes again.

Oh and this is horror Raimi. If you’ve got an 8 year old, maybe catch  this one at home? I mean being English and therefore raised on Watership Down and Charlie and the Chocholate Factory I was ok, but I could see a lot of upset kids. 

But assuming that doesn’t bother you, and you like the sound of a horror film in MCU clothing then this is a nice film with a perfect runtime, everyone’s got simple enough motivations that you can still vaguely follow along with what’s going along, the visuals look amazing but like all amazing CGI heavy films will age pretty badly.

The council of cameos so heavily spoiled to the films detriment in the trailers could be cut completely and nothing would really change and might even make the film better.

If you see it youll understand, this is a tricky film not to spoil.

Basically, this week’s episode of the MCU is a random horror episode that’s a confusing, fun messy blast of horror with one too many fan boy pleasing cameos for my taste.

Still, at least Sherlocks American accent has gotten a bit better .

My Score – If Nothing Else 

Eternals Film Review

Are you like me in finding that Marvel films all feel very similar and formulaic? Too quippy and colourful and no matter how and in what genre the film starts it always degenerates into a big, weightless CGI punch-up in the third act? Well, then Eternals might be for you!

Sort of.

It’s complicated.

Because Eternals is the most DC a Marvel film has ever and probably will ever go which is both refreshing and frustrating in equal measures. One one hand it’s great to see a director being given what looks like quite a free hand to make something so radically different within the MCU umbrella but on the other I’m not really sure this experiment has worked.

But first a quick mention of the ‘controversies surrounding this film.’ At time of writing, several countries in the Middle East have banned the film and Russia has given it an 18 rating because the film features a happily married gay couple. Which in the year of our Anna Di Arnas 2021 should be about as remarkable and noteworthy as a film featuring James Corden being borderline if not completely unwatchable. That it isn’t, I find terribly sad and hope that more films will show LGBT people and that one day it becomes as unremarkable as… well, a James Corden film being borderline if not completely unwatchable.

Getting off my soapbox, I find Eternals to be a thoroughly confusing beast. On one hand it’s this epic film spanning thousands of years with loads of potentially interesting character’s, moral and ethical dilemmas regarding their actions, some great acting and some utterly beautiful visuals, but on the other hand, the film moves at a glacial pace which is going to make some younger viewers fidgety, the way, way, way too many character’s are fairly flat and in need of being slimmed down, it’s dull to look at when it’s not being almost pitch black in places (surely 200 million dollars could buy you a couple of torches.)

I mean it’s not like the plot is terribly involving. For all it’s grandeur and attempts at scale, it’s pretty much the same plot as the Blues Brothers were dealing with back in 1980. There was a team, it fractured and now you have to put the band back together within a strict time limit in order to stop THE BAD THING from happening. That’s it. Now, it’s not a bad plot as such and a pretty good way to introduce us to all these new people on the run-up to Avengers 5 Avenge Hard With A Vengeance.

It’s just that I think the script needed a few more tweaks. There’s an entire villainous subplot and pretty cool villain that could have been deleted with no real issues whatsoever. Save that guy for the sequel. I mean it’s not like the hero’s are in any danger, they all have standard issue Marvel invulnerability unless their supposed to lose the fight in which case they all appear to be in a competition to see who could have the noblest death. As a result, the fights are rather dull affairs. Our CGI villains appear to be on loan from Gozer the Gozerian and are as threatening as a puppy. Also, if you don’t spot the… I guess big twist, I’m just going to guess you don’t see that many films.

Yet, that’s not to say that I didn’t care about our heroes because I did. A bit. I mean the cast are really, really good and clearly having a lot of fun together but there’s just too many of them to care about individually. Going down to six or so leads would have helped a lot.

Also, what I’m going to assume is the comedic subplot just doesn’t work. It isn’t funny, it doesn’t seem to fit or lead to any massive revelations, it either needed to be reworked, improved or just removed. And I would have liked for it to have been improved because this film is VERY, VERY SERIOUS which, I do feel is not to this films benefit. I mean you have immortal people with basically the same powers as the Justice League beating up terror dogs whilst taking orders from a a giant six eyed thing the size of a planet. You think you might want to crack a smile every once in a while. You can do grounded and serious things but this isn’t a Nolan film.

It’s a Chloé Zhao film, who usually makes small, intimate docudramas and you can tell that that’s where she’s at her happiest as like I said, whenever there is a fight scene, it’s not exactly the most thrilling thing I’ve ever seen. But when the cast are given their moments together the film shines as I believe that these people have a past together and deep affection for each other.

Is that enough to save the film? Sort of. I mean it’s got issues and it’s nowhere near top-tier MCU but this is as close as your going to get an MCU film actually having a deep moral debate about the actions of the hero’s as well as whether they should be more or less involved in the activities of humanity as we to tend to get ourselves into trouble if the day of the week ends in a y.

Although this did lead to one scene about halfway through which seriously put my back up and I think that if you see it then you’ll understand why and it’s a scene that I feel might not have needed to be there. You’ll understand. And I feellike I haven’t yet mentioned the constant, un-ending streams of expostion delivered again and again and again in a way that just seemed exhausting.

I mean I get what they were going for, but I’m not sure that it worked. I admire them for trying something so radically different but it just feels like Marvel trying to do DC and as this is pretty much a stand alone episode of the MCU no-one else shows up despite it making plot sense to either ask for help from The Avengers and I refuse to believe for a second that towards the end either Dr. Strange or Wong wouldn’t have shown up to see what the ever-loving film was going on.

But yeah, Eternals, not the best, not the worst but a nice change of pace from what’s gone before. It probably won’t happen again though. Usual service will be resumed with Arachnid Boy: Sony wants to be attached to a hit film for once.

My Score- Skip It

Avengers: Endgame Review

Iron Man- the first film in the MCU, came out when I was working in a cinema during university, my old housemates told me about Marvels grand plans as well as  superheros who could control ants and how it was going to be this grand interconnected thing that was going to change movies forever.

(Even though the MCU isn’t the first cinematic universe – Universal got there in the 1940’s with their Monster universe.)

I laughed then. They’ve been laughing for the past ten years.

Because whilst I have my complaints about the MCU – too bland, too much CGI, a questionable quality of villains and indestructible heroes among others.

Also, they’ve completely wasted the post snap era because why would you want to see shows set during a time when half the population of Earth has simply vanished? Hard to imagine a setup with less opportunities to explore.

But… all of that pales into insignificance to this…. well, there’s no better word for it. Avengers: Endgame is a masterpiece.

Yes, it’s the length of a Lord of the Rings film- my screening started at 10.40 and I walked out at 2pm, and I couldn’t think of any scene to cut. Not one moment seemed to be padding or a weak link. It is long but thanks to my tried and true method of surviving a long film by not drinking my can of energy drink until the first practical effect I made it the whole way through. It tasted great on the train home by the way.

Yeah, for all the many, many wonders of the film I get the feeling that the stunt crew took a lot of tea breaks. Which, isn’t really their fault. You know how films traditionally break into three acts? Person goes up tree, person gets stuck up tree, person gets down from tree? This film has one of the clearest examples of this I think I’ve ever seen. I mean yes, the first hour could technically be done in ten minutes but then you lose all the weight and impact that so many little moments that other films would have glossed over.

There were moments here where I laughed, there were moments when I had a tear in my eye, there were moments where I wanted to leap up and punch the air. Except I’m English  and as such I just smiled like a loon. There were also moments in the first two hours when the person snoring happily behind me almost woke up before going back to sleep. They woke up towards during the third act though.  No-ones sleeping through that.

Whilst this is light years better than that bunch of disconnected, tension free fight scenes I was forced to sit through repeatedly last year and is arguably better than the franchises previously unassailable high point of Winter Soldier I do worry that ankle biters might get a bit fidgety given that there’s a lot less fighting and quipping and more people sitting in a room talking about plans, regret, choices and should they get the band back together for one last gig?

Then we get this massive mosiac full of moving pieces on a scale not seen since…. well, Lord of the Rings as multiple story-lines featuring multiple characters in multiple locations full of so much fan service that are juggled with seemingly effortless skill all culminating in an incredible third act.

If this is the end of an era of cinema (not the MCU, that things going to be around after the heat death of the universe) then it’s going out on a high- This film is (at time of writing) is already number 11 in IMDB’s Top Rated Movies and, unlike Snakes on a Plane which was also in the top 250 briefly- the 2000’s were a weird time in cinema, this film is going to be in there for a long time.

Will some of the CGI look dated in a few years? Yes.

Would I have like a practical effect or 2? Yes.

Would I change a frame of this film? Not on your life.

Your going to have to deal with the runtime (which flew by for me but may not for sugar rushed kids wanting a big fight every ten minutes). This feels like a more grown up MCU film. I mean it’s still got plenty of light moments to even out all of the emotional gut-punches, incredible fight scenes and for my money Thor steals the show but as the culmination of a seemingly impossible dream that was told to me all those years ago?

It’s cinematic perfection.

My Score- See It Now!

 

 

Captain Marvel Review

Ok Daniel, you can do this, it’s only 9 months until the proper films with more on their mind than selling merchandise and reminding us that dull, bloated, overfunded franchises exist….

Oh hello Dunkers! Didn’t realise I’d started typing my review for the latest offering from the MCU Captain Marvel!

Which I understand has gotten certain dark, grubby corners of the internet very upset and who can blame them? I mean Marvel has created arguably the greatest opportunity for storytelling in cinematic history at the end of Infinity Bore and they do nothing with it? Not to speak I’ll of the cancelled but how cool would it have been to have been to, midway through any of the non Iron Fist Netflix series for the snap to happen? Daredevil doing his thing and then boom! Everyone fades away and the rest of the series is him trying to work out what happened?

Or would that be too similar to terrible Nicolas Cage rapture movies? Cause don’t nobody want that.

Oh, that’s not what the dirty, grubby corners are upset about? It’s because she’s a girl?

Pathetic.

Back to Captain Marvel and we find that it’s set in the 1990s which makes a nice change from the 80s but doesn’t really seem to do anything with it aside from the whole Guardians of the galaxy thing with the soundtrack. (No smells like Teen Spirit though? Bad Marvel! If ever a song needed to be in a non Peter pan film it’s that one.)

Yeah, allegedly they were trying to pay homage to 90s movies and first of all, why? 90s action movies were so upside down that Michael Bay films are good and Nicholas Cage was taken seriously as an actor. Second, the 90s were the last gasp for practial special effects and I didn’t see hardly any. I think there was supposed to be a suspenseful chase the train car chase scene but it was terrible and the rest of the time it just looked like any other Marvel movie. Too much CGI, too much qupping, Ronan is still the worst villain I’ve seen since… I don’t know when and it has the usual problems that all prequels have. There’s no suspense in any way shape or form about who will survive and who won’t and I know damn well that the Earth will survive just fine thank you.

Speaking of the omnipresent and overwhelming CGI, deaged Coulson and fury look awesome. Captain Marvel veers between looking like a character from Injustice: Gods Among Us to pretty real and then almost back to the PS2 level of graphics.

I do want to say that I like the fact that Marvel starts off with all her powers but with that good old standby of amnesia. Which is a pretty cool twist on the standard formula. I like Brie Larson as well and the human supporting cast are solid. I couldn’t tell you the names of any of the new aliens to save my life but that’s just par for the course in a film that moves very quickly but still needed another trip to the editing suite in my book. 20 minutes should do.

Now onto the big issue… Marvel is just too powerful. I have no issues with a hero being in control of a situation but there’s being in control of a situation and just being so overpowered that I never believed the hero was in danger of so much as a split end. It’s like the difference between Taken and Taken 3. In one, our hero is capable of failure and therefore we are invested in their quest. In the other there’s no danger and therefore no suspense. After a while it just gets boring.

Also, I have an issue with the cat. It was my wife’s favourite thing in the movie but could Marvel not have kept the damn thing under wraps? It would have been a cool surprise in the cinema.

But, around the time that Gwen Stefanis just a girl came on, I knew this film wasn’t aimed at me. Based on the look on my wife’s face it wasn’t for her either. So in the pub afterwards we conducted a thought experiment. Would we rather our hypothetical 9 year old grew up idolising Captain Marvel or Wonder Woman? ( Assuming I can distract the wife for long enough you can add Ripley and Sarah Conner to that list as well but shhh.) And we both decided on Wonder Woman. Neithers a bad choice but we just found that Wonder Woman was more believable, inspirational, relatable and also had the better movie.

Captain Marvel is your bog standard Marvel film. Released to keep the money coming in and act as a placeholder until the deus ex machina… I mean title character can defeat Thanos is a few weeks. It has too much CGI, quipping an invulnerable hero and a completely unthreatening villain. It has a few interesting twists but I doubt it will be the game changer people clearly want it to be.

My Score If Nothing Else.