Captain Marvel Review

Ok Daniel, you can do this, it’s only 9 months until the proper films with more on their mind than selling merchandise and reminding us that dull, bloated, overfunded franchises exist….

Oh hello Dunkers! Didn’t realise I’d started typing my review for the latest offering from the MCU Captain Marvel!

Which I understand has gotten certain dark, grubby corners of the internet very upset and who can blame them? I mean Marvel has created arguably the greatest opportunity for storytelling in cinematic history at the end of Infinity Bore and they do nothing with it? Not to speak I’ll of the cancelled but how cool would it have been to have been to, midway through any of the non Iron Fist Netflix series for the snap to happen? Daredevil doing his thing and then boom! Everyone fades away and the rest of the series is him trying to work out what happened?

Or would that be too similar to terrible Nicolas Cage rapture movies? Cause don’t nobody want that.

Oh, that’s not what the dirty, grubby corners are upset about? It’s because she’s a girl?

Pathetic.

Back to Captain Marvel and we find that it’s set in the 1990s which makes a nice change from the 80s but doesn’t really seem to do anything with it aside from the whole Guardians of the galaxy thing with the soundtrack. (No smells like Teen Spirit though? Bad Marvel! If ever a song needed to be in a non Peter pan film it’s that one.)

Yeah, allegedly they were trying to pay homage to 90s movies and first of all, why? 90s action movies were so upside down that Michael Bay films are good and Nicholas Cage was taken seriously as an actor. Second, the 90s were the last gasp for practial special effects and I didn’t see hardly any. I think there was supposed to be a suspenseful chase the train car chase scene but it was terrible and the rest of the time it just looked like any other Marvel movie. Too much CGI, too much qupping, Ronan is still the worst villain I’ve seen since… I don’t know when and it has the usual problems that all prequels have. There’s no suspense in any way shape or form about who will survive and who won’t and I know damn well that the Earth will survive just fine thank you.

Speaking of the omnipresent and overwhelming CGI, deaged Coulson and fury look awesome. Captain Marvel veers between looking like a character from Injustice: Gods Among Us to pretty real and then almost back to the PS2 level of graphics.

I do want to say that I like the fact that Marvel starts off with all her powers but with that good old standby of amnesia. Which is a pretty cool twist on the standard formula. I like Brie Larson as well and the human supporting cast are solid. I couldn’t tell you the names of any of the new aliens to save my life but that’s just par for the course in a film that moves very quickly but still needed another trip to the editing suite in my book. 20 minutes should do.

Now onto the big issue… Marvel is just too powerful. I have no issues with a hero being in control of a situation but there’s being in control of a situation and just being so overpowered that I never believed the hero was in danger of so much as a split end. It’s like the difference between Taken and Taken 3. In one, our hero is capable of failure and therefore we are invested in their quest. In the other there’s no danger and therefore no suspense. After a while it just gets boring.

Also, I have an issue with the cat. It was my wife’s favourite thing in the movie but could Marvel not have kept the damn thing under wraps? It would have been a cool surprise in the cinema.

But, around the time that Gwen Stefanis just a girl came on, I knew this film wasn’t aimed at me. Based on the look on my wife’s face it wasn’t for her either. So in the pub afterwards we conducted a thought experiment. Would we rather our hypothetical 9 year old grew up idolising Captain Marvel or Wonder Woman? ( Assuming I can distract the wife for long enough you can add Ripley and Sarah Conner to that list as well but shhh.) And we both decided on Wonder Woman. Neithers a bad choice but we just found that Wonder Woman was more believable, inspirational, relatable and also had the better movie.

Captain Marvel is your bog standard Marvel film. Released to keep the money coming in and act as a placeholder until the deus ex machina… I mean title character can defeat Thanos is a few weeks. It has too much CGI, quipping an invulnerable hero and a completely unthreatening villain. It has a few interesting twists but I doubt it will be the game changer people clearly want it to be.

My Score If Nothing Else.

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