Shazam Review

Well, DC has finally moved on from it’s dark brown, moody Dawn of Migraines slightly awkward phase and embraced it’s inner Marvel. Which is amusing when you consider that Shazam! was originally called Captain Marvel and then lost the rights to his own name over legal reasons that I have neither the time, inclination nor legal training to do so.

Wait, the actual film title actually has an exclamation point in it? You have got to be kidding me. What is it with this months films and their hatred of my scripts not looking like my English teacher has gone mad with power/the red pen?

Interestingly, this isn’t for first time that Captain Wow has been unleashed upon the silver screen. Shazam! was in fact the subject of Hollywood’s first ever superhero film adaptation: Republic Pictures’ Adventures of Captain Marvel (1941) in 1941. It doesn’t seem to have made it across the pond for obvious reasons but it seems to have held up pretty well.

Back to 2019 and Commander abra ka dabra is beat for beat your bog standard super-hero origin story with the patented Marvel formula which has been focus tested and it works in all it’s tedious efficiency.

I mean, don’t get me wrong it’s nice for Mark trong to be in a big budget Super-hero film that will enable him to leave the house for once. It’s  just a shame that the film has no idea what to do with him. I mean he’s clearly having a blast and i’m sure the costume designer had perfectly logical reasons for dressing him like he was on loan from The Matrix and I liked the joke that every time he did try and give his big supervillain speech, the camera cut away from him.

I liked that a lot.

I had more issues with the fact that Strong is meant to be allied with the physical incarnations of the seven deadly sins. Just overlook the fact that they cant quite seem to remember whether or not that can talk in really cool growling voices or just snarling. Forget that, it’s the least important thing when you consider the fact that the villains are the physical embodiment of the seven deadly sins…  just imagine what you could do with that! Lust could be capable of changing into whoever the person fighting them desires most,Gluttony a disgusting blob that consumes anything it comes into contact with, Greed could have massive green eyes that could compel people to give into their worst impulses. You could let your imagination run wild (whilst staying within the limits of a softer 12a film) and instead here we just get 7 snarly beasts which just blend together into one mass of dull. Their not really physically distinct from each other or seem to have different style of attack instead of just being snarly monsters on loan from Ghostbusters and Mortal Kombat.

In any other film they would have been the goons but here their supposed to be a threat big enough to take over the world!

If it seems like i’m harping on about what, in practice are pretty non threatening villains it’s because I really liked the rest of the film. I liked the child actors, the plot was well constructed, most of the jokes landed and Billy Batson, as a 14 year old kid suddenly being given the powers of a God and an adult body reacts exactly as a 14 year old kid suddenly being given the powers of a God and an adult body would. I would still have liked to see ten minutes cut from the second act but show me a modern film that doesn’t get a little saggy in the middle.

It did need slightly more DC product placement though. I counted three whole scenes without product placement in. Although that scene in the toy shop more than made up for it in my book.

The action scenes were fun and I was mostly capable of following what was going on and a subplot (which would have made an amazing indie film in it’s own right) almost brought a tear to my eye.

It’s great to see a film where the hero grow and changes in a believable way, where a person who could easily have come across as overpowered and unstoppable seems almost vulnerable at time even if he does get some  help that seems to have come out of one of those slightly corny 80’s kids movies.

Speaking of which, I write down in my notes on the way home Shazam! = Big + Superman, start doing my research feeling like I’ve got a real zinger in my back pocket and that’s how the advertising suits are describing it. Which is sort of annoying.

But there’s no denying that this film has a great heart, a really good cast of all ages, a mostly funny script, some pretty good action, a villain who’s having fun even if he doesn’t really have a point and actually some pretty solid special effects. It’s almost as if having a smaller budget (roughly 80-100 million instead of the usual north of 200 million) causes the director to act in a less indulgent manner.

Shazam! is really good lightweight fun, which plot-wise seems like it should have come out around Christmas instead of at this time of the year where it’s got roughly 3 weeks to reclaim it’s budget before being wiped out by Avengers Blandgame. If only they had worked on their villains I could see this as being a 5 star film.

But they didn’t.

So it isn’t.

My Score- See It 


Pet Semetary (2019) Review

So there I was, gripping the edge of my seat watching in horror as a slow moving nightmare began to reach it’s inevitable nailbiting climax of terror after a slow buildup and just before the final act reached its crescendo and I began to believe that I would make it to the end credits with a few fingernails intact when….

A bunch of naked climate change protesters glued themselves to the House of Common’s glass-walled public gallery and then didn’t quite seem to know what to do with themselves. At which point I decided to stop watching the Brexit negotiations and go the cinema and watch an actual horror movie instead.

Because sleep is over-rated.

And just by luck, I had tickets to an advanced screening of Pet Semetary! From the pen of horror maestro Stephen King. Wait…. it’s not seriously called Semetary with an S is it? Oh that’s great. Now this review is going to be full of red wiggly lines.

Bu back to dead pet place and we find Dr. Louis Creed and his wife, Rachel, relocating from Boston to rural Maine with their two young children to have a slower pace of life. The couple soon discover a mysterious burial ground hidden deep in the woods near their new home and things go from bad to worse very, very quickly.

Now, the producers have expressed regret over the second trailer which apparently spoils the whole film but since I avoid trailers (especially horror trailers) like the plague I wouldn’t know.

But, I wouldn’t have thought there was much to spoil after the first thirty seconds which needs to go. Instantly, immediately, without hesitation or reservation it has to go. But leaving that aside, this is a pretty threadbare film. I mean it’s the kind of plot that only functions if everyone wasn’t either an idiot or incapable of holding an actual conversation with someone else. I’ve seen more dialogue in films staring Ryan Gosling!

Seriously, an actual conversation at any point in the first two thirds of this film would have stopped this. Which, isn’t a good thing, even for horror. A genre which traditionally relies on people making stupid decisions (a trope which was utterly destroyed by the amazing Cabin in the Woods) which, with a few tweaks this could almost be a prequel to.

Because yes, in the cinema I was scared and became very fascinated with my watch which is normally a good thing but at about the halfway point I twigged that this film only has about three scares which it repeats ad nauseum to the law of diminishing returns. Certain ‘creepy’ sets looked pretty cheap and very set-like which didn’t help. And I give certain props to the film for not having it’s finale become inadvertently hilarious but it was clear that the film had passed it’s peak and was heading downhill.

Also, for a film which the BBFC claims has “strong bloody violence, gore, threat” it seems pretty tame. Almost as if the film was intended to be a hard 12a and was cut down in anticipation of that certificate. What gore there is, is cut away from pretty quickly when it could have been allowed to go a little further to truly earn it’s certificate.

It’s made a few changes from the book, all of which are to the films benefit but it still feels pretty thin. Non of the characters really get any development making it hard to care about any of them when their in danger. More and more I realize that this film fell back on familiar horror tropes. Creepy looking kids? Check. Loud noises at night? Check. Events set during Halloween? Check. I’m not fully convinced that this wasn’t supposed to be some sort of black comedy with horror elements were it not for the fact that i’m certain the laughs that rippled through my screening weren’t always supposed to be there.

Treat Pet Memorial Place as a schlocky horror film. It’s got nothing to say about life, and the universe and ten minutes off the run-time (especially in a slowish moving first half) would have been only to the films benefit  but I went in, was scared then left and wasn’t anymore.

In other words,

My Score- If Nothing Else 

Dumbo (2019) Review

Disney, what the hell is this???

I don’t, in principle have any issues with you reheating some your most popular films though the lens of modern cinema since you made your name reheating old myths and legends before you took over the ENTIRE world of entertainment.

But I do have an issue with how bad their all turning out. God alone knows why you’ve allowed Aladdin to be directed by a man who’s never made a good big budget film in his life (King Arthur: Legend of the Bored anyone?) Even Lock Stock and Snatch were close to 20 years ago and that’s pretty much what he’s coasted off ever since.

The ‘live Action’ Lion King remake is against the trade descriptions act as it’s being made in full CGI and… I’m getting distracted from this latest baffling debacle which somehow had a bigger budget than Captain Marvel and is therefore going to make one hell of a splash when gets declared a bomb in a few weeks. Not enough to do any good, but it’s a start.

Before I go on, I feel I should clarify that I’ve never really cared much for Tim Burton. I liked his first Batman movie and I’ve sat tough bits and pieces of his other films but he’s never done anything for me. I appreciate that he has a unique style but it’s felt very constraining to him as well. As if he’s carved out his little niche in cinema and he’s perfectly happy thank you very much.

But Dumbo is the least Tim Burtony Tim Burton film I’ve seen for a while. Well, I say seen, the film is so dark and grimy to look at that half the time I had no idea what was going on and the other half I didn’t want to.

We blow through film 64 minute film we all know and vaguely remember liking in the first twenty minutes and then were off! Off to where I have no idea, this film feels like Tomorrowland, Free Willy, some sort of satire of Disneys habit of buying EVERYTHING and then stripping it for parts AND a commentary on getting more women into science were all thrown in a blender together (possibly as a reaction to the fact that some aspects of the original film really haven’t aged that well….) Oh, and there’s a flying baby elephant in there as well if your in the mood for some really bad CGI creation that never for a second looks like it’s actually there. I mean, it as never going to look real but for that amount of money it could have looked better.

Speaking of Dumbo, maybe i’m a gruff old traditionalist but I always thought that if you were the name of the film, the  center of the plot description on IMDB (A young elephant, whose oversized ears enable him to fly, helps save a struggling circus, but when the circus plans a new venture, Dumbo and his friends discover dark secrets beneath its shiny veneer) is all about you AND your the only character that your cooperate overlords bothered to make any merchandise for then… well… you should be the protagonist of the movie. As in, you are the center of the story, make the key decisions, and experiences the consequences of those decisions. I mean it’s only been that way since at least 526 BC so you really should have figured out that’s how story’s work by now.

But instead it’s Colin Farrell’s character that has the best claim to being the protagonist. He has the tragic backstory (dead wife, can’t talk to his kids, lost an arm in WW1 and comes home to a circus on the verge of bankruptcy)… oh, did I not mention the legions of pointless human characters? Sorry, I really should have mentioned that.

This film has loads of human characters Farrells character erm… protagonist, his two kids- plot device and ‘subtle’ message, Eva Green as love interest, Danny Devito as comic relief and Michale Heaton with a…. THING on his head as villain and generic cartoon goons as… well… generic cartoon goons. I’m sure they all have names but they made so little impact on me that none of them made it into my notes. Besides, I didn’t pay my money to see a flying elephant movie with loads of subplots about money worries, warnings about trusting ‘The Man.’ And god knows what else this mess decided to be about for ten minutes before getting bored and switching focus to something else.

One thing I would have liked to have it focus on is it’s heart. There’s something cold about the film which meant that I couldn’t connect with it, it looked awful. Every scene cluttered and unfocused, it’s shot really darkly as well. Not as in gritty, but as in dark, no light. It also has that issue of there being so much CGI that it just stands out. There was no real moment that was just allowed to be. To allow us to focus and enjoy the wonders of cinema. Ether the editor had been allowed one two many ‘energy drinks’ or the director was worried that if we were allowed the time to settle and take in a shot then we would realize just how bad everything looks.

And nowhere is this more evident than during this films interpretation of the pink elephants scene. You remember them, right? Of course you do. No matter how much therapy you go through, you can never truly forget them. In the original film their this amazing five minute scene but here it feels like the director was going through a checklist of things people vaguely remember from the original. And it’s edited to within an inch  of it’s life! Instead of being allowed to enjoy this random bit of lunacy it’s simply a few seconds of the pink elephants and then someone commenting on or simply watching them! It doesn’t add anything to the film or provide a respite from what was originally a pretty grim narrative, nor does it allow the director to show us what he can do, it’s simply appears, kills what little plot movement the film had for a minute and then we keep chugging along.

Another few rounds with the editors scissors wouldn’t have gone amiss either.

Anything else?

Oh yeah, the animals can’t talk in this one  and the crows (among the few friendly and intelligent characters in the original film) have gone but to be honest the last thing this film needed was more speaking parts and subplots so I’ll just chalk that up to Tim Burton being so desperate to make his own version of Jurassic Park that he overlooked the little things.

Dumbo  is an over-budgeted mess from a director who tried to put a fresh spin on a classic tale but failed on almost every conceivable level. This film is confusing, uninteresting, awful  to look at and full of characters who couldn’t be any flatter if they’d been run over with a steamroller. It needed to be shorter and actually have it’s title character be more than a prop or wacky animal sidekick. Seriously, the elephant in Operation Dumbo Drop (1955) looked better and played more of a role in the plot than this!

Finally, Disney, please drop this stupid, lazy and entitled approach to filmaking. Surely there must be someone in that mass of congealed money with an original idea? I think you can afford to take a chance or two.

Because, never forget “It was all started by a mouse.” One that could !@”@”! talk.

My Score- Fire 


Us Review

Before we begin, I want to start by talking to people who (perhaps after a few too many sweeties) have decided that Jordan Peele IS THE NEW HITCHCOCK!!!! Firstly, the last time someone was compared to one of the greatest directors of all time, we got lumbered with Shamalan.

Secondly, Mr. Peele has directed 2 films and whilst they have been very good, the third film (much like your third album) is the sound barrier. You have your whole life to create our first album/film, 18 months for your second and the third discovers if your here to stick around or simply condemned to being an ‘almost’ for the rest of your career.

Thirdly, you guys do know that Hitchcock made bad films, right? And, I’m not talking about films like Vertigo which started badly and are now regarded as better films than Citizen Kane but actual, bad, movies. Seriously, no Hitchock fan defends 1939’s Jamaica Inn which in 1978, film critic Michael Medved gave a place in his book The Fifty Worst Films of All Time.

Ok, I think I’m done. Putting my toys back in my pram and 200 words in i’m going to talk about Us. The latest film from the first Jordan Peele which seems to insinuate that he’s as big a fan of old films as I am (I won’t say which for fear of spoilers) but it was published in 1895, came to the big screen in 1960 (and still holds up today) and was terribly mutilated in 2002 by a complete hack.

But, dragging myself again back to Us and it looks at first like your bog standard home invasion movie except then it isn’t and… it seems clear that Mr. Peele wants to say something but I have no idea what. Where Get Out (despite having a truly disappointing ending) at least got it’s point and message across. At times, Us almost seems to resemble a piece of performance art. It’s got some great images and moments, the plot seems to hold together after it’s left turn at about the hour mark and were the Acadamy not eternally biased against horror Lupita Nyong’o would be a shoe in for at least an Oscar nomination if not the award itself.

Which is nice, as her husband (played by Winston Duke) grated on me slightly. I like Home Alone references as much as the next guy but there’s a time and place for them which I doubt is in a film trying to scare me more than watching whats happening with Brexit.

Which is another issue, the first half of the film is creepy, building up suspense and tension before devolving into your bog standard house invasion flick and then…. But I’ve said too much already.

What I can say is that the film misses the opportunity for tension as our family get split up regularly thus giving us the perfect opportunity for a bit of the old ‘is that you or the murderer in disguise’ that 1982’s The Thing did so well. A golden opportunity that the film shows literally no interest in.

Look, there is a lot of good here- there were a few moments that made me smile, a few that were creepy, the soundtrack was great and yes, if bloods your thing then there is plenty of that on display but this feels like a film made by a man with so many ideas that someone needed to get him to calm down and focus. There are no issues here that another rewrite or two wouldn’t fix but I can imagine that all the film theorists are going to have a field day with this one. I really liked a fight towards the end which reminded me of the fight at the end of Annihilation  which can only ever be a good thing and I can imagine a lot of people finding a lot in here that’s scary, but for me this is a good film when it could have been a great one.

Because Us is frustrating. The acting is good (in one case great), it has a whole treasure chest full of ideas when maybe putting one or two of them back would have resulted in a more cohesive whole. It’s maybe ten minutes too long and I saw the ending coming about ten minutes in.

But theses are errors that I think have been made by someone still mastering their craft and when Mr. Peele does master his craft I truly believe that he will be one of the great directors of our time. I already can’t wait for his third film.

One last quick thing. You can’t raise an entire society on rabbit.

My Score- See It 

The Aftermath Review

Keira Knightly has gone on record stating that says she doesn’t like modern-day movies for the way they portray women and for regularly featuring themes of sexual abuse.

The actress has revealed she much prefers period pieces when selecting her roles because the women are treated much better.

“I always find something distasteful in the way women are portrayed, whereas I’ve always found very inspiring characters offered to me in historical pieces,” she continued, before adding that she’d only recently started to see some progress in the portrayal of present-day women in upcoming film projects.

“There’s been some improvement. I’m suddenly being sent scripts with present-day women who aren’t raped in the first five pages and aren’t simply there to be the loving girlfriend or wife.”

I would also add that when Keira does venture into the present day, we tend to either end up with Domino which is still one of the worst films I’ve  ever seen or Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit which… well… basically boils down to a ‘charisma contest’ between Chris Pine and Kevin Costner. The audience lost.

Back to The Aftermath and we find… well… stop me if you’ve heard this before. A woman trapped in a marriage so dead that if it appeared on  screen you would instinctively aim for the brain, falls for the lodger who is the most perfect man alive, single handily raising a daughter in a pretty tough environment and then she has to chose between THE MOST PERFECT MAN ALIVE and her dutiful husband who’s never home because of his job and the distance between them of their sadly deceased child which they haven’t even begun to process.

It’s mostly shot in this big, beautiful house (due to having that can barely stretch to a ham sandwich) and it looks gorgeous- in fact, it looks a little too gorgeous, cut out any thirty seconds of Knightley and BOOM, there’s your perfume ad.

The musics amazing as well, pretty much played on a single piano it’s affecting and heartbreaking and I seriously hope that it wins an award or a nomination for something except it won’t because this film is that most tragic of films, an awards bait film which missed awards season.

A moment of silence.

Moving on.

The leads are all fantastic, the film looks amazing, great soundtrack… I mean love triangle films aren’t really my thing but I really enjoyed that aspect of the film. But there was something that I didn’t fall in love with… Something to do with the husbands job… I mean it’s only the B plot, which the film gives so little attention to it may as well be the E plot… What was it now…

Oh yeah, he’s the colonel of the British Forces Germany charged with rebuilding Hamburg because this film is set in Germany in 1946. Which means that whilst Knightley is deciding whether she wants to ‘make sequels’ with a guy who was in Terminator Genysis  or the guy who was in that Tarzan movie maybe 4 people saw he’s off rebuilding a country which was literally ground to dust and has a population surviving off of 900 calories a day if their lucky, not only does he have to deal with that task, playing nicely with the Americans and Russians (and their quickly cooling relationships) he’s also dealing with the 88’s – a group of fanatical Nazi’s who don’t quite seem to have twigged that the war is over and that they lost.

Not only that, but when he get’s home he has to deal with the gentleman who’s house he ‘borrowed.’ Was he just an architect as he claims? Or was he something more? Does he hold a grudge against the killing of his wife in the utterly horrific bombing that the city sustained? What about the daughter? Is he a spy for one of the other factions? So many questions that the movie simply isn’t interested in.

Seriously, this film, set in a period of history that I’ve literally seen so much as referenced before has no interest at all in exploiting or even delving into the questions that it’s setting raises or the opportunities it creates. Strip out the whole ‘rebuilding of a nation subplot’ and make the guy a banker who’s wife is lusting after the gardener in London in the `920’s and nothing changes. The daughter being seduced by an 88 and potentially being recruited into spying on arguably the most important man in 500 miles? Barely a whisper of a mention in the main plot which is so glossy and beautifully shot that it seems to be in a different film completely to the gritty shades of grey drama that one of it’s main characters is going through. Forget a cohesive narrative, this film plays like the wife and I are fighting over the remote when she wants to watch some terrible romantic drama and I want to watch an awesome gritty spy drama.

The Aftermath is a surprisingly racy, beautifully shot and scored bog standard love triangle film awkwardly sharing screen space with a gritty look at a relatively neglected area of history. The main actors are good, the support cast is missing Rachel McAdams but works well enough. It sounds and looks amazing but it just doesn’t work as a whole film. The love triangle works in it’s own fairly bland way but it doesn’t mash at all with it’s far more interesting sub-plot about rebuilding Germany after World War 2.

Talk about a missed opportunity.

My Score- If Nothing Else



Serenity (2019) Review

So there I am trying to pick a film for date night in the Miles household and what should come up but Serenity on the Sky store? Perfect thought I, not only is it my wife’s favorite film, but it’s a damn good Sci-Fi film, a glimpse into an alternate universe where Firefly was allowed to have multiple seasons and since this is the 5… 10…. 14!?!? (Roger Moores Eyebrow I’m getting old) year anniversary I bet it’ll be all 4k Blu-Ray graphics.

So, with homemade popcorn in hand (no microwaved popcorn in my house), we settled in to watch….


Okay… not a celebration of one of the greatest one season wonders in history, instead we appear to be watching a film noir.

Ok, I like film Noir, she doesn’t seem to mind thank to the fact that Matthew McConaughey appears to be suffering from some sort of allergy to his clothing and therefore has more bum shots than I’ve had hot dinners.

He’s a drifter with a past, eking out a living as the captain of a fishing boat who’s fixated upon catching a Tuna that he’s called Justice for… reasons.

Then one day his ex wife turns up, offering ten million dollars to ensure that her wife beating husband (who still hasn’t atoned for Terminator Genisis) winds up sleeping with the fishes in exchange for ten million dollars.

Seems fairly standard and the cast appear to be going for it so this ooks like a nice little timewaster of a film playing a game of ‘guess the twist.’ Which your not going to do. Seriously, don’t even try.

On paper it’s a good twist. The subtle clues are there indicating that THE TWIST is possible within the world of the film but My God, this is a twist that… well, its defiantly going to get some conversations going, mostly along the lines of “What were you people smoking and can I have some?”

I mean it’s the kind of twist that should be kept ambiguous, is it a real twist or is the sun gotten to Baker Dill’s head?  But it’s not ambiguous in the slightest! It’s simply blurted out, threw both of us for a loop and then carries on, taking what had been a fairly grounded, traditional Film Noir into… well, words not make good description.

But aside from THE TWIST, there must be something else to talk about? Well, some of my Colonial colleagues (it was released over there a month before it reached us for no reason that I can fathom #globalreleasedatesnow) have stated that this could become a so bad it’s good cult classic.

It Wont.

“Dunkers,” he said, “I served with cult films I know cult films. Cult films are a friend of mine. Serenity, you are no cult film.”

Strip out THE TWIST and it’s still a very conventional film. All the cast seem to think that their in a proper film and as a result are playing it straight, no-ones got their tongue in their cheek, there’s none of the sense of fun or watching of a car crash that’s needed for the so bad it’s good label. And I know that you can have cult so bad their good films that tricked the actors into thinking that their in proper films but I didn’t get that sort of vibe.

If this film is remembered for anything it’s going to be on one of those infernal ‘top ten weirdest/worst twists ever lists.’ As a film Noir it could have been interesting, as a film about a man deciding whether or not to defend the wife who left him and their child that could also have worked.

I mean there’s a lot here that works- that cast is amazing- Did I mention that Djimon Hounsou is in this as well? Most directors would kill for this level of star power, on paper it all makes sense, it looks great, but it’s all a bit traditionally shot and paced with one of the most random twists ever and I know I’ve banged on about it without actually saying anything but it just sucks all the air out of the film, leaving no space or inclination to talk or think about anything else. Which is a shame as there’s a really good moral film in here somewhere.

But, what do you expect when the directors last trip to the directors chair film was all the way back in 2013! And what flop did he direct? LOCKE!?!!? I love Locke! It’s a one scene (not take) film whereupon Tom Hardy (showing his complete face for once) drives down the M1 making and taking phone calls. (It’s better than it sounds I promise you. You WILL care more than you ever knew you were capable of about concrete).

So watch this until THE TWIST, then turn it off and go watch Locke instead.

My Score- Skip It 


The Grinch Review

It was with some trepidation

that I approached the latest offering from Illumination

(Those who unleashed those infernal minions upon every poor, blighted nation)

mediocrity is their stock in trade

so, through that is what I expected to wade.

“But”, said a voice inside my head

Your optimism should not need to be be dead.

After all, this film should be a sinch

pretty much everyone knows the story of The Grinch

It’s been made as a film twice before

and only one of those was a colossal bore

starring an unleashed Jim Carrey

and Who’s that veered between creepy and scary.

It was dull and grimy, padded to no end

and watching it again almost sent me around the bend.

But this is new and shiny and nice.

It’s also in 3d which for someone, somewhere is nice.

It stars Sherlock Holmes, Angela Lansbury and more.

wanting trained voice actors? What a bore!

And stepping into the role of narrator,

played by Boris karloff and Hannibal Lector, who could be greater

Than Pharrell Williams (who made that song happy)

Although as narator he’s really quite sappy.

Giving Danny Elfman the score is a decision I adore

but getting someone called Tyler, the Creator to make a Grinchy rap song?

Whoever decided that will have a career that’s not long.

And who the hell decided to put in the Christmas rap from Die Hard?

I have questions which I don’t know I want answered.

But leaving weird, random music choices aside,

there’s some stuff here of which illumination could almost feel pride.

At 86 minutes, the run-time is nearly perfect.

So that box is most defiantly checked.

It’s so bright and breezy,

that I don’t feel uneasy

about saying that a few times I chuckled

but at times my cheer buckled

because at points my own heart grew at least a half size!

The key stories still there

so please don’t despair

when the film takes a quick detour

Because what little this film adds means more

than the Carrey version did before.

And with a run-time far less than that 106 minute bore.

{Doing this review in rhyme

seemed like such a good idea at the time

still, it won’t be the first that a pub was the start point for a crime)

So i’m told anyway.

But if dragged to this film don’t pray.

There are far worse ways to spend part of the day.

It’s animation is fluid, no moment was bad,

The heart wringing moments made me feel sad.

I laughed at it’s jokes

and it never provokes

any rude or crude moments as it’s rating is U!

The perfect rating for a film by Dr Seuss it’s true.

So as I come to my end,

this film will not drive you round the bend.

On the 1966 original it’s not a patch.

but as a cash-grab it’s not that much of a snatch.

Illumination you’ve done it again!

90 minutes of beige to keep the kids quiet

so if you want to prevent a riot

There’s worse you could see

but take it from me

it has no plans to stay long in your head

And you’ll forget it’s small charms before you lay down in bed.

My Score – If Nothing Else