Underwater Review

Look around.

Look up.

Look down.

Fix every single detail in your mind for all time.

Because this is the last film to be released under the 20th Century Fox name, before the name was changed to 20th Century Studios by Disney, after their acquisition of Fox and its assets.

Allegedly 200 other films were not so lucky.

But hey, as long as you can now engage in the philosophical debate as to whether or not the xenomorph is now a Disney princess, who cares?

Me.

I care.

Because DISNEY OWNS EVERYTHING and I fail to see how this benefits cinema in the long/ short/medium term

But… dragging myself back on topic and we find that seven miles underwater no-one can hear you be mildly interested. We also find that no problem can’t be solved without getting your female actors to climb out of their seemingly Warhammer inspired diving suits and run around in their underwear for a few minutes. At times it even gets a bit creepy.

Anyway, the plots that old ditty to which we can all sing along to… Humanity went somewhere it wasn’t supposed to go, did something t wasn’t supposed to and now… something has arrived to inform us of our mistake.

And this film knows why were here and hits the ground running- within the first two minutes- Kristen Stuart apparently remembering that being an indie darling doesn’t put Lamborghini’s on driveways and hoping to be in a commercial film that actually turns a profit is Ripley… sorry, Norah, who, whilst trying to brush her teeth (no seriously, that’s how we meet her- dental hygiene is important Dunkers!) is forced to condemn loads of off-screen unnamed people to death and then try to work out what’s going on and get back to the surface.

And there’s your film. It’s really… I’ll be kind and say ‘efficient’ with it’s editing as I get the feeling that this film didn’t have the largest budget ever known to man and more than once our characters seem to have been saved by the power of jump-cut rather than anything they’ve done but the body-count goes up at a fair old rate inventive and tense rate so I’m happy to keep my toys inside my pram.

With the exception of T.J. Millers annoying character I didn’t mind the rest of the people on screen and thankfully Miller doesn’t get much of the films lean 95 minute (including credits) run-time.

I liked that the monsters aren’t explained or even really seen clearly, they and a couple their mates just turn up and start wrecking things which is pretty much all I want from a movie monster.

Never forget that what you don’t know is almost always scarier than what you do.

And that’s about it. Underwater is lean, mean enjoyable thriller that hits the ground running and never really stops or lets the tension ebb away completely. I’m not really convinced that their habitat or Space Marine cosplay suits would be anything other than crushed in a heartbeat in reality or what anyone’s name is but that’s no bad thing in a film like this. It’s not likely to dislodge 1998’s Deep Rising  as my favorite underwater monster movie but it’s a hell of a lot better than a film which was released three years after it was shot has any right to be.

It’s not the send off that this studio deserved or needed but Underwater is a fine film to throw on when you’ve got some mate over and just want to throw something on the background to have a beer or six to.

And sometimes that’s all a film like this needs to be.

My Score- If Nothing Else 

Wolf Review

Soldiers versus werewolves. It’s a very simple premise that is basis of my very favorite film of all time- Dog Soldiers. So, when I find out that a low budget film is being released with this very premise I immediately leap into action and make sure that this film who’s budget is so low that it thanks AirBnB at the end of the credits and hasn’t released a single poster gets it’s moment in the spotlight!

Or…. I had some time to kill before my Screening of Ad Astra.

That works as well.

By the way, given this film has no Wikipedia entry, and barely anything on IMDB I feel like this is truly above and beyond. But, I swore to fly the flag for low budget filmaking and that’s what I’m going to do.

I just wish there was something about Wolf to be worth all the effort that I went to. I mean an 85 minute runtime? Including credits? Different seasons allegedly within a few days if not hours of previous scenes? And I know that this film could have been longer because… I’ll get to that.

Anyway, our brave soldiers are in Scotland and are holding to Dog Soldiers rule of  not breaking radio silence just cos’ they got spooked by dead flying fucking cows. Actually they don’t make any radio broadcasts because it’s 150AD and radios wont be invented until 1895.

Yes dunkers Wolf isn’t just Soldiers versus Werewolves, it’s Roman Soldiers versus Werewolves. No gunpowder, radios, vehicles or anything else that we take for granted. Also, since pretty much then entire film is set outside our troops are insanely vulnerable.

Not that they know it. Our troops are full of bravado, bravery and terrible dialogue until all three start to drain away as they begin to realize that their enemy is not just the locals and running out of wine.

Now, there were some good things about this film- the werewolves are kept off-screen for the vast majority of the film which works because when we do finally see them I promptly burst out laughing. If your budget was that tight then just turn the werewolves into zombies like happened in 1964’s War of the Zombies. It would fit better with the films tone and I mean Colin taught us that you can literally make zombie films for £45. And get that film to Cannes. And a two-disc Special Edition DVD release in the colonies.

But back to our roaming Roman Redshirts we find… not much really. You’ll have sussed out all of their arcs in the first ten minutes and look, when your probably paying scale I get that your probably not going to have a huge pool of actors to draw from but could you at least not hire someone who looks like they learned their German accents from old, slightly dodgy recordings of Allo Allo? Also, i’m pretty sure that the Scots didn’t have French accents from that same episode of Allo Allo.

But maybe my hearing was playing up because some mad genius has created a musical instrument which sounds worse than the love child of an accordion and a set of bagpipes. I mean, I’m sure that it’s historically accurate – half the credits were historical society’s and creator of Horrible Histories Terry Deary was mentioned at least four times in the credits, it also looked amazing, with the finest drone that you can order off of Amazon and the Blair Witch showed that it doesn’t take much to make some poorly lit woods scary.

I have an issue with the fact that most of the separating of Roman from Roman intestines happened off screen and that with the amount of blood and gore that we actually saw on screen I could easily turn this into an episode of Doctor Who. The rules for the werewolves keep hanging as well, sometimes they are too fast to see, always attack in darkness and near impossible to injure… until the last 5 minutes whereupon they decide that it really is time they died and de-power themselves, as well as attacking in daylight (which I’ve seen in no werewolf film ever), being unsure of if they want to kill all the squishy humans, bite them so that they turn into werewolves or turn them into modern art. Did one of our Romans bring the virus from France or was it just a coincidence?

There are flashbacks when we don’t need any, what action there is, is truly shocking and, there is one other BIG thing but it’s truly spoiler territory.

My Score – Fire

*SPOILER WARNING*

This film has the worst ending I’ve ever seen.  In fact, the end credits came up so abruptly that at the end of the credits I was expecting to see a Marvel style post-credits scene with the actual ending in but there was just nothing.

We end with our obligatory ‘kill me before I turn’ scene whereupon our last male character is killed and then all of our female characters decide that women can’t become werewolves out of filming nowhere then decide to head to Hadrian’s Wall to warn the Roman Empire about the werewolves and then the film just ends. With our main female characters (half of whom had very little to no screen time and one who had just shown up in the last ten minutes) deciding that all the werewolves were dead and that getting to the wall was easy peasy dear God what were you smoking lemon squeazy. And that’s the end of the film. With our leads just deciding to walk to the wall. In the middle of enemy territory. With possibly more werewolves out there. And no resources. Because that’s not something that I want to see- Charlies Angels BC with a 15 rating. Yeah, definaltly no audience interest in that.

Wolf is the worst werewolf film I’ve ever seen. No, it’s the worst Horror film I’ve ever seen. It squanders it’s interesting premise and somewhat fun characters, with appalling action, dialogue, accents and the worst ending I’ve seen in any film. Ever.

Now, if you’ll excuse me I’m off to watch Dog Soldiers again. It’s not perfect but it’s got some cracking dialogue and Werewolves that don’t look like they’ve just escaped from a not very good joke shop.

IT CHAPTER TWO Review (2019)

Huurghhh

What…. Is….. This……?

I mean, I get that the book is allegedly over 1300! pages and all that but does a horror film- and not even a full film given that Stephen King calls the film not a sequel but the second half to It need to be a Lord of the Rings long?

I mean The Shining was ‘only’ 144 minutes long and that was about…. actually what the film was it about?

*Whispering*

Huh, according to my script guy The Shining was Kubrick confessing to filming the moon landings – which is (as every film geek knows true) it’s just that he was such a perfectionist that he insisted on shooting on location. But does your horror film about a bunch of people fighting off a clown really need to be 169 minutes long?

No.

It did not.

It needed some other stuff though,  aside from a serious trip through the editing suite, a lot less CGI would have helped. I mean, a lot less. Like, say 99%.Because I’ve probably said it before and I will say it again horror films and CGI don’t mix. CGI ages and dates quickly, you can tell it’s not real which means that your not as scared as you should be.

For further reference please compare the special effects of The Thing (1982) to The Thing (2011) and then just watch The Thing (1982) again. God I love that film.

Sorry, I appear to be getting very easily distracted this film by other, better, films. It’s almost as if this one isn’t very memorable.

Anyway, according to IMDB, “Twenty-seven years after their first encounter with the terrifying Pennywise, the Losers Club have grown up and moved away, until a devastating phone call brings them back.” Which feels like a incomplete description of the plot but it does well enough. You can guess the rest.

Hmmm? You expected the film to be about the losers club coming home to fight Pennywise? Your adorable. The losers club do indeed return to Derry but from there my notes just scream PADDING PADDING PADDING until they start mysteriously reading  milk, bread, flour, ice cream, fruit, veg….

Anyway, I feel that I should clarify that I’ve never read the book, nor have I seen Tim Curry’s version and the first film didn’t exactly set my world on fire and whilst i’m aware that that doesn’t matter when reviewing a 60 million dollar product but I get the feeling that if I had then I might have given the slightest stuff about any of the people on screen who were being rather stubborn about keeping their internal organs, well, internal.

I mean the cast was amazing  with what they had but none of them had very much to do anything with. I mean, I thing one of the losers (don’t ask me for names he was just in my notes as probably not Marcus Brigstock) was meant to be Gay but it didn’t come across very well in the film because despite the film being  almost a Green Mile long this film has a slightly too big a cast to be able to develop them. I mean, what we know about them in the first thirty minutes is pretty much all we know. I swear Godzilla had more of character arc.

Anyway, our pieces of cardboard are meant to… I think be defending a town which can’t remember if it has anyone living in it or not from Pennywise who can take the form of whatever bad CGI the script demands of him.

Except you could remove him from his own film very, very easily and turn this into a film about a group of friends coming home to an old friends untimely funeral, reheating old memories, treading over old ground and wondering if there was anything they could have done differently to change his fate. The film works on those few moments when the cast are just enjoying each others company but they are few and far between. Oh, and the finale is the worst I have seen in any horror film ever. Bar none. And I’ve seen Jaws The Revenge, Cell and 2006’s Wicker Man!

It could, so easily have been turned into an episode of Doctor Who or any kids show and then there is the central issue. The big one. Bigger than the instantly dated, out of place CGI,  the flat, one note characters, the fact that people who live on that murder/prison island  some call Australia tried to get the poster banned as it was giving their ickle babies nightmares, the inexcusable length  and intolerable amount of flashbacks is that… this film just wasn’t scary.

At all.

I mean there were scenes that could have become scary were they allowed to develop and breathe and kept away from the CGI but the film just didn’t seem to want anything to do with them. It was as if the film was going “You want a scary scene, here, there you go, now can I get back to being an indie drama please?” Er… no.

I paid to be scared, to worry about turning off the lights at night, to be terrified about falling asleep because of the nightmares that would come and I slept like a log. My screening was laughing! Not just me Dunkers but my whole screening was laughing when I would rather that we were screaming. Is IT supposed to be a dark comedy instead of a horror? I mean I would say I’ve seen scarier kids films this year but I just showed my nephew The Dark Crystal for the first time and now I don’t have to babysit anymore but that’s beside the point!

Scrap all the flashbacks, develop the characters, replace the CGI with models, animatronics, people in costumes… anything! Remember that this film is actually meant to be scary and given that the villain has the power to do anything he wants instead of being some bozo with a knife or malfunctioning robot you could have done a hell of a lot more with him.

Anything else? I was reminded a lot of Mass Effect 2 for some reason? Build team, keep happy, do loyalty missions so you can take on the baddy who though whilst their meant to be very scary don’t seem terribly interested in actually  stopping you?

I think i’m done. Apparently fans of the book are happy with it but that means less than nothing to me and i’m sure there’s some indie film I could be raving about so I’ll catch you ll next time.

My Score- Skip It 

The Banana Splits Movie Review

What the everloving Smeg is this?!?!?

I mean, i’m still trying to get my head around it. A Banana Splits movie which basically boils down to The Terminator in fuzzy felt?

I mean, this had to be the result of a drinking game, right? What, if Blue Ribbon Content (No, me neither) had won the drinking game would Blumhouse have been forced to turn their new Saw movie into a wacky romantic comedy?

I mean, this is a Hannah Barbara property, you know, Yogi Bear, Flinstones, those meddling kids? What, were their lawyers at this drinking game as well? In another universe is Quienten Tarantino being let lose upon The Jetsons?

Because there is no way that these characters were in the public domain, but I guess that if  Warner Bros. Animation can announce that it will soon be rebooting “The Flintstones” as a prime-time animated adult comedy series then nothing is sacred.

I mean, what next? A comic book series that re-imagines the cast of Wacky Races competing in a desert wasteland, reminiscent of the Mad Max film series?

*Whispering*

What do you mean they’ve already done that? Really? I guess nothing ever really dies that has the slightest bit of brand recognition. I mean this is almost as bad as that time Batman went up against Elmer Fudd. (No seriously, I think the only person that Batman hasn’t taken on is…. I actually have no idea.) I’ll just say International Rescue and move on

Because this is a twisted little movie with a good idea. What if the Banana Splits were actually robots instead of people in costumes? What if someone apparently forgot to program them with Asimovs three laws and what if that their show (which is apparently the only thing keeping them from going full Skynet) was suddenly cancelled sending them off the deep end?

I know, I know,  that’s a lot of what ifs but I’ve seen films with weirder premises.- The Lobster, see it once- remember it forever.

But the trouble is, that’s pretty much the only thing that the film has going for it. Once you do get past the premise there’s just not much here. The acting ranges from passable to ‘even the Sy Fy channel would ask for another take” Sadly, the whole thing is played straight when a wink and a nod here and there would have made the whole thing better in a post-ionic kind of way. I had no idea of any of the characters names, let alone cared for them- there is a fine line between making a character unlikable and me genuinely cheering when they get a giant lollypop shoved down their throat.

Also, the whole thing felt kind of… safe. Like it was being held on a leash that is was foaming at the mouth to get off of. Except when it was allowed off the leash it didn’t quite know what to do with itself.

Example- One of the Bananas, I think it was either Sooty or Bungle kills someone with a pair of drumsticks. Off-screen. When 15 minutes earlier we graphically see Gordon the Gopher shove a lollypop down someones throat, killing them. For every graphic death (and there are several) there’s another kill happening off-screen that seems far more interesting. I paid to see bad actors being torn apart by Zig and Zag and that’s not what i’m getting.

I will applaud the film for having a pretty much 100% practical effects rate with the sole exception being so bad it wouldn’t have passed muster in the PS1 era. But even then, their just not very inventive. Imagine if you will, an assault course on a kids TV show. Now cross it with Saw. How awesome/horrifying would that be on screen!?!? But the film just doesn’t seem interested.

Also, the film just doesn’t quite know whether it wants its killer robots to be relentless killing machines who don’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And absolutely will not stop… ever, until you are dead! Or if their misunderstood, tragic figures, trying to carry on with the one thing that gave their lives meaning. As a result their neither.

They also seem pretty easy to defeat. I know that their not designed for combat, but I’ve built tougher things out of Lego. The climax lacks tension and the one character who should have gotten more screen-time- just doesn’t.

This is a film that needed more. Not money but on screen, inventive kills, more interesting, better developed characters, more time understanding what it was trying to do. More black humor and courage to take this idea and run with it. I mean the films already rated 18 so you might as well go for it!

Sadly though, whilst there are some good ideas here this films just a dud. I can think of so many shows that I’d like to see given the dark and gritty treatment- Stingray off of the top of my head but this film just isn’t worth it. Maybe catch one of those kill video on YouTube in a few weeks that show all the kills in a horror movie without all the other stuff because there’s nothing else here.

And even then, Puppet Master: The Littlest Reich still hasn’t gone anywhere. Now that film does run with its sick, twisted little premsie as far as it can.

Yikes.

My Score- Skip It 

The Dead Don’t Die Review

The most annoying films to review are not the terrible films like your Hellboys who get everything wrong or your Mad Max Fury Roads who get everything right but the films that squander their potential.

The ones that, on paper have everything going for them but just can’t quite make the most of their ideas, cast or potential.

The ones that just make me want to scream at the screen, go back and write another draft and get it right this time!

Because The Dead Don’t Die should tick all my boxes. It’s a zombie film which usually means a siege movie (my favourite genre), it’s got a great cast, an amazing director- every film geek should check out the directors previous film Only Lovers Left Alive.

But… pretty much it’s every problem can be traced back to question ‘so what are you going to do with that?’

For example, it’s revealed early on that polar fracking has disturbed the day-night cycle. ‘so what are you going to do with that?’ Are you going to go the Stepford Wives thing of having every scene in broad daylight? Juxtaposing the glorious sunshine with the creeping horror of a zombie hoard? Nope, the last half of the film is in darkness.

Technology isn’t working. ‘so what are you going to do with that?’ No phones to call for help, no cars to escape in or alarms to warn us. Nope, tech works when the plot wants it to and doesn’t when it doesn’t.

The greatest cast ever disassembled screams the marketing, great, but (all together now) ‘so what are you going to do with that?’ With a cast so large I can’t get invested in anyone. Is Bill Murray going to say that unusually fights ghosts? No. Is too Danny Glover too old for this? No. Is Selena Gomez going to sing a song to cheer everyone up or discover that her songs drive everyone away a la Mars Attacks? No.

The zombies are smarter than your average zombie, drawn to places that were important to them in life. ‘so what are you going to do with that?’ A Wi-Fi joke? Seriously.

And it just goes on and on and on like that. This film has enough ideas to fill out a TV show but doesn’t DO anything with them. Or it’s cast. Apart from Tilda Swindon. Her character rules but the cast is so big with so much going on that she never has a chance to develop as a character.

Look… It’s like I tell the tourists I’m forced to interact with, yes, New York New York has enough stars on Broadway to make a new galaxy but do you know what the west end has? Plays worth watching.

It’s the same here, if your not prepared to use your cast except as an advertising gimmick then why have them?

Oh, oh oh! I have another one. Some of the characters appear to have forth wall knowledge. ‘so what are you going to do with that?’ Nothing? Moving along.

The plots your bog standard set up. In nowherevill USA, the dead start rising and the living try to fight back. Zombie films not really being big on a twisting narrative. But as a way to mock society? How consumerism and the daily grind means that we probably wouldn’t notice a zombie apocalypse? Or a way to examine what makes us human, placing compassion and empathy against our drive to survive? It’s a hard lens to beat but here? Nothing. Zombies arise and sometimes it’s hard to tell the living from the dead because apparently any emotion in this world is illegal or everyone took some downers before coming to the set.

Seriously, if your case doesn’t seem to be invested then why should I? I could be at home watching Anna and the Apocalypse again. At least that has characters i care about, singing and dancing penguins and a villain actually remembering to have fun. But here? Nothing.

Squandered opportunity after squandered opportunity after squandered opportunity. The violence is mostly off screen, there’s nothing distinctive or memorable about this film and at times, it feels so much longer than it’s 1 hour 40 minute runtime.

Everyone’s acting like the Straight Man, we never learn anything about any of the characters, two of them might have feelings for each other ‘so what are you going to do with that?’ Noble sacrifice? Tearful confession before a nearly certain to fail desperate last roll of the dice? No. Of course not. Don’t be silly.

The townsfolk go straight to zombies as an explanation for a series of murders that happen ‘so what are you going to do with that?’ Set traps? Prepare? Try to escape? Nope.

There’s seemingly only one song in this universe ‘so what are you going to do with that?’

You have one of the most unique singing voices in history acting as an observer/narrator ‘so what are you going to do with that?’ Your not even going to let him sing?

I just don’t get you movie.

Perhaps the inevitable cult that’s going to grow up around this will tell me where I’m going wrong but at the moment I just don’t see it.

Look, not every zombie film has to be Shaun of the Dead or Zombieland but being better than Strippers versus Zombies or Zoombies 2 should not be this hard! At least I can laugh at how bad they are!

To me, this film is just a stilted, boring mess that squanders every opportunity the film gods have given it. Hell, I genuinely think this would have been better as a slow burn TV show, as is?

My Score- Skip It.

The Curse of La Llorona Review

Of the 9, that’s 9 films released to the big screen on the weekend of the third of May, I am reviewing this one because…. it’s part of a franchise that I’ve consistently hold solidly mediocre things about?

Nope.

Is it because i’m a big fan of films that feature pretty much nothing but jump scares from a villain who seeming has 500 million weaknesses to the extent that she needs backup from a squidgy mortal with a gun to make her a threat?

Nope.

Is it because I love films that don’t develop characters or feel the need to have any more than the most basic, contrived, cliched plots?

Nope.

Is it because i’m desperate for a break from either big CGI blockbusters or really good, low budget coming-of-age dramas?

Possibly.

Is it because i’m actually in a part of the barren, savage world known as ‘Not London’ where i’m sitting on a beach experimenting with the human body’s maximum cocktail capacity and caught an advanced screening of this film thanks to Cineworld and would much rather they’d done an advance screening of Tolkein or Hotel Mumbai?

….Yeah

But drunk beggars can’t be choosers so here we are. With a film set in the conjuring Universe (The Conjurverse?) They seem to be about as connected as most MCU films so I don’t feel like I missed out on anything.

Because there’s not much to miss out on. It’s your basic plot (person who doesn’t believe in curses does something silly, gets haunted, goes to disgraced priest for help blah blah blah.)

The main actors are fine, I wasn’t cheering for the evil demon woman (saying or even typing her name causes “My Sharona” by The Knack to get stuck in my head for three days.) To get rid of the child actors as I usually am which is always nice.

It’s a shame that this film wastes so much of it’s limited potential because towards the end there was a bit of a siege movie vibe happening and that kind of stuff is my jam but it was never allowed to develop as the film races through it’s 90 minute run-time which, whilst it is the type of run-time a film like this should have, another five minutes to develop some dread or creepy horror vibe would not have provoked riots in my screening. Hell, Pete Semetary was 101 minutes long and that had plenty of dread as well as naff jump scares.

Which is pretty much all that’s in this films arsenal. There’s nothing subtle about this film, just the whiff of the conveyor belt as this horror film by numbers comes onscreen, does it’s thing and then goes away again. Hell, I was pretty much able to set my watch by the damn jump scares.

If you absolutely, defiantly, need to watch a horror movie in the big screen this very moment then The Curse Of My Sharona will do you. But that’s about the only way I can recommend it. Slowing the pace down would have helped. As would developing the characters, having more than one type of scare. Doing something about a jump scare at the end which made me burst out laughing as well as…

Sod it.

It’s a low budget horror movie from a franchise which I didn’t care about coming in and My Sharona has done nothing to convince me to seek out any more of them.

I’m sure future me wants to get back to the bar so… I’ll see you next time.

My Score- Skip It. 

 

Puppet Master: The Littlest Reich Review

And lo, the broken man did cry to the film gods, “Send me something to wash away the memory of Hellboy! Something to remind me of how good cinema can be lest I be utterly defeated by three hours of Avengers Blandgame!”

And the film Gods did answer “We hear you our child. We present Red Joan, The true story of Joan Stanley, who was exposed as the KGB’s longest-serving British spy. It stars Dame Judi Dench and will calm  you far better than the video nasty about possessed killer Nazi Puppets.”

” I, your humble servant thank you for this blessing oh great film Gods and…. wait, what video nasty about possessed killer Nazi puppets?”

“A reboot of a franchise maybe 4 people care about. But back to Red Joan…”

“Yeah, you guys have fun with that I’m off to go see something that mother most defiantly wouldn’t approve of.”

Because they just don’t make like this anymore and with good reason. If you told me that this was made 20 years ago and stuck on a shelf then I would believe you because this is a film with no redeeming qualities at all.

I loved it.

First up, this is indeed a reboot (the production team have weirdly stated that it takes part in a ‘parallel universe’ to the original franchise for no reason that I can work out) of 11 films, (ALL of which were made for a combined $4.23 million or 1 Blumhouse) two comic book mini-series, an ongoing comic book series and numerous other collector’s items.

None of which I will be going near because there is no way that they can live down to this.

And I do mean down because this is a truly nasty little piece of work which seems to be in competition with itself to see if it can top each death scene. As soon as you think you’ve seen the most over-the-top death in cinematic history, the film looks at you scornfully and goes “That? That was nothing, THIS is the most over-the-top death in cinematic history. Oh, you want a moment to catch your breath and process what you’ve just seen? Ok, I’ll just kill off this random character in a manner that suggests that thus budgets running out and their daily rate was just that expense too far. Oh stop looking at me like that. You know your loving this.”

Yes, yes I am. I just want to point out that Saving Private Ryan had a lower, less graphic body-count.

Now, normally at this point I would recount the plot but that seems like telling you about my tube journey into work last Tuesday. It was there, it happened but it’s completely irrelevant to why you’ve clicked on this review.

Fine, it was ok. I got a seat and finally watched Love, Simon (in two parts going and coming) It was really good and I recommend it but the delays on the way back…. Oh, you wanted the plot to the movie?

Well, in a parallel universe where everyone apart from 2 people seems to be a complete jerk Udo Kier (you know, that guy from Blade, Iron Sky and Command and Conquer Red Alert 2?) You’ll know him if you see/hear him was a dedicated Nazi who fled to the US and then made a living selling puppets that he can bring to life to enforce his beliefs… somehow and then he gets killed and thirty years later a convention brings all his puppets back to the house and this… somehow brings them all to life whereupon they immediately start killing again… for… reasons.

I warned you it was thin. In reality it’s – opening sequence, really cool wordless animated sequence using only the colors red and black,  twenty minutes of filler and then blood. So. Much. Blood before the most obvious cliffhanger in cinematic history and the film ends.

If your  in the mood for something gory to throw on in front of your mates after a beer or 6 then this is your film. If you want a deep think piece on the human condition then why did you think you would find that in Puppet Master: The Littlest Reich?

I’m waiting for an answer here….

Fine.

Your main character is a comic book creator moving home after a divorce whereupon he immediately strikes up a relationship with the only other decent person in existence and they make a pretty cool double act. Along with an seriously annoying sidekick who gets some pretty cool character development along the way.

Oh, and did I mention the low budget means that there’s no CGI? Probably because the budget was… I have no idea but if i was above 100’000 dollars i’d be very, very surprised.

Sadly, the lower budget also means that the animatronic budget stretches to little more than an off-screen hand physically moving the puppet like a no budget film made by some kid on his smartphone. It works in context and also means that the puppets are way creepier.

Like I said, you have to go into Puppet Master: The Littlest Reich with a certain mindset (a certain blood alcohol level probably wouldn’t hurt either) and if you do that then your going to have a great time with it.

Once you get through the filler that is. I mean there’s making me not care about the supporting cast and then there’s making me actively root for the evil possessed Nazi puppets.

Make me care for the buffet a bit more and their deaths might have made me care as well as wince. But as is?

My Score- See It