Well, I guess it’s that time again,
Where I have to try to explain
The not really shocking revelation
That a film made by illumination
You know, that minion company?
The one with a licence to make currency
Has released another product!
Because the manner of business that they conduct
I just cannot call art,
Because to even try do so hurts my heart.
All they do is try to sell toys
To others, girls and even boys
And as you’ve probably guessed
Talking about them in rhyme is how I manage best
Because otherwise I simply find nothing interesting to say.
It’s here will and will entertain your kids whilst you go about your day!
Is my opinion of all that they have made
And my opinion hasn’t changed with The Super Mario Bros. Movie, I’m afraid.
It was on and made me smile,
But after a small while
I won’t remember a single frame
And I certainly can’t say that will be a shame.
Because, is it better than what came before?
Well, yes but that was no great chore,
Because the Mario Brother film from 1993?
From it both audiences and critics did flee
All though the BBC did put it on during Christmas Day
Which is probably why the licence fee has had to go away.
But this is bright and colourful and fun!
A song from the soundtrack might even be number one!
Except that song is dull and not much fun
When I think what the man from Tenacious D might have done…
The plot is simple, there’s not much to say,
As a group of strangers must unite to save the day!
Although even at a near perfect 92 minutes
I felt the ned for a glass of pinots (noir)
Although I simply must declare
That to my mind it simply isn’t fair
That instead of talented voice actors
The studio decided to use the audience attractor
Of celeb voices!
Of which they made the most obvious dull predictable choices
Lead by the omnipresent overexposed Chris Pratt
I think there’s a law enforcing that.
There has to be in every film made these days
A Chris! And so, on poor defenceless cinema this great weight weighs.
But as for this… product,
It’s a good bit pf business that they conduct,
The first act drags, of that, I’m sure.
That if you were to cut it, nothing of value would be lost, I’m sure.
Instead, we could have simply gotten on with the show
As video game Mario and (Luigi) has no backstory of which I know.
Also, this film simply has no tension!
Although this may have been the film-makers intention
But it makes fights dull and without excitement
Perhaps Mario with a bruise got nixed by management.
But it gives the whole thing a mechanical air.
The whole film is simply going from here to there.
The money it’s made, is more than one billion!
But the whole things… simply reptilian.
It made a billion?
So did Jurassic World: Dominion.
No wonder for the people that made the minion
It simply made sound financial sense
To get ever more dollars and cents
When a huge brand known for simply being there!
Never out of the spotlights unblinking glare
Decided to return to my beloved silver screen
To make a glorified add
Neither good nor bad
It was simply there,
To “entertain” me as I sat in my chair
Some more songs would have been fun so we couldn’t have that,
And as I said the action falls quite flat.
So, bravo Illumination you’ve done it again!
Your tedious catalogue continues to sustain.
But this isn’t full of joy or love or anything so human
As Kryptonite is to Superman, to Illumination it’s passion.
A commercial to sell toys is what they’ve made
To make something with simply a passing grade.
And that they’ve done, well done I say.
You’ve managed to pay the bills for yet another day!
But when I think what you could have done…
Well, that thought alone simply spoils my fun.
My Score If Nothing Else
danielsdunkings 