I feel like it’s some sort of law that every ten years or so you have to have another go at remaking something to do with Andre Dumas Musketeers, a bunch of 17th century heroes who hang around with the king of France getting in and out of trouble with lots of swashbuckling, daring do, colourful character’s, high stakes yada yada yada.
In my youth that version was the unwatchable mess starring Leonardo Di Caprio, about a decade ago we got the 3d mess starring James Corden, a punch of flying ships, filmed the whole thing in 3d and yet somehow, and, I swear this is true, I once read an article where David filming Lynch declared it one of his films of the decade! Naturally I can’t find said article but I swear on my script editor’s life that I read it.
Anyway, this decade’s attempt is different on several levels from both of those unwatchable disasters. For a start its’ in French. Which makes sense, it’s a French film, made in France, starring Eva Green and several people who aren’t Eva Green. But I feel that this alone will doom the film amongst the unwatched masses who long ago traded the ability to read for the ability to enjoy the repetitive CGI infested sludge masquerading as blockbusters that Hollywood routinely pours into their eyes
That 15 rating isn’t going to help in the UK either. Film like this should top out at a 12a because that’s where your going to get bums on seats. Families going to see a film together which they remember from their youth being full of swashbuckling, daring do, colourful character’s, high stakes, yada yada yada. And in theory it could have filled a nice hole in modern cinema especially since blockbusters appear to be taking a few weeks off.
But let’s leave aside the fact that it’s in the wrong language to do well here, it’s in the wrong rating to do well here and the fact that there’s no marketing and advertising that I’ve been able to spot.
Its also not a very good film. With some of the worst day for night filming I think I’ve ever seen. Film, I was more convinced it was night-time the last time I put some sunglasses on during a baking July day.
Well, actually, that’s not entirely fair. There’s a lot here to like, Eva Green is a very good Milady D Winter, although she suffers from one of the major issues in this film. But I’ll get to that later. The rest of the cast is passable but I felt that the cardinal was miscast as not quite slimy and smarmy enough.
Plus, well, the action sucked. And in a swashbuckling adventure film that’s sort of an issue. I mean the sound design of the film is fantastic with every pistol shot sounding like a cannon but it’s wasted. The director has a thing for long, single take fight scenes which didn’t work for The Last Airbender and it isn’t working now. It also doesn’t work they their following the Jason Bourne approach of shakey cam, close ups, and me having no idea what the living film is going on.
I’d buy shares in aspirin companies if I thought this film was going to bring that back. But I don’t, so I won’t.
But I think my main issue with this film is that I didn’t have any fun.
All the ingredients are there, the story and characters have stood the test of time but this version is Musketeers Begins. I mean, is French cinema just a decade behind English cinema? Because I’m getting the vibe that this should have been released ten to fifteen years ago. Its dark (both in tone and visuals), gritty, serious, shakey cam filled and it’s also got the biggest hint that it’s a part one since that Marvel movie where the single dad ended world hunger with his rock collection.
But there were some moments I liked, even if it did seem to be labouring under being an origin film, a setup for part two film, a film that doesn’t really seem to get going until the second act but a film with some good moments, not enough to make me excited for part 2, but enough that I’ll probably check it out. Because ending films on cliff-hangers gets my but back into the seat.
But that still doesn’t change the fact that if I do want a fun, exciting, swashbuckling film then the Mask of Zorro hasn’t gone anywhere.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to see if I can find what Lynch was talking about.
My Score- If Nothing Else
danielsdunkings 