Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.
This film is exactly what I expected it to be when I realized that this film basically boiled down to ‘Jason Statham punches giant shark in the face.’ My inner eight year old’s undisguised glee matched only by my beloved wife’s absolute horror when we both realized that this film knew exactly what it was and proceeded to be just as terrible as we hoped/dreaded it was going to be.
The plots the usual bunch of nonsense -scientists go where their not supposed to go, accidentally unleash a 75 foot long shark that makes Bruce from Jaws look Vegan, seem unaware that most of them have ticking clocks above their heads and compete to see who can say their terrible, cliched, predictable dialogue with their tongue firmest in their cheek.
Unfortunately, it’s such a simple plot that by my watch the film had ended quite naturally after a mere 75 minutes but then pulled the most obvious twist in the book right after ‘It’s still moving.’ to pad it’s run-time to 113 minutes.
And… I have no idea why I love this film as much as I did because objectively I should hate it. There’s barely any practical effects, all of the characters were archetypes- nerd, geek, jerk billionaire, the plot hold no shocks or surprises, it’s idea of being clever is calling it’s lead character Jonas (you know, like the guy in the bible?), Jason Staham has NO business being in a 12a film here he can’t do Jason Staham things like swear or beat up faceless goons or react to all the CGI blood that should be sloshing around the set by swearing.
I’m convinced that all the equipment used would shred like toilet paper at the depths we see it go to, there are plot holes on top of plot holes but… but…..
IT’S JASON STAHAM PUNCHING A 75 FOOT SHARK IN THE FACE!
Whales are bitten in half as an afterthought, some underwater sections are tense and scary- others made me leap out of my seat in joy and one frame in particular i’m happy to offer Scriptgremlins arms in payment to get on my wall. Don’t look at me like that. They grow back. They always grow back. And taste great covered in BBQ sauce.
Would I have loved this more if it was allowed the 15 rating that it needed? Yes.
Would I have loved it more if it pandered slightly less to the Chinese audience? No, not really. To be frank it’s nice to not have New York under threat for once. Plus, there’s no real changes to the film besides setting the film off the coast of China as opposed to the USA.
Would it have been better if directed by Eli Roth as opposed to the guy who made Cool Runnings aka the greatest sports film ever? No. The budget was too high and this film was exactly what it needed to be.
Should you mistake this for a date night movie? No.
No no no no no.
Just… trust me on this.
This is a film to grab a couple of mates, sink a few/large amount of beers before/whilst seeing and just enjoy it. I can see this being a serious staple of Friday/Saturday night evenings in for a few years.
I loved it.
Not as much as I love Deep Blue Sea and no-ones ever going to mistake it for a classic but if you are as desperate as I am for a break from franchises and fancy a good old fashioned creature feature that could have done deciding if it wanted to end after 75 minutes or not, having a smaller budget so it could get the higher rating it so desperately needed and er….
If anyone knows where I can get a poster of THAT scene at the end (if you’ve seen the film then you know the one I mean) please put, let me know in the comments.
God speed you magnificent throwback. May you not bomb as hard as I think your going to.
My Score- If Nothing Else