The Hitmans Bodyguard Review

I’ve said it before and I’ll probably have to say it again.

The United Kingdom has severe anti-gun laws. Whilst it is not impossible to acquire a firearm in London it would take you a long time to build up the trust required to be given access to a single pistol. Getting hold of enough rifles to launch a small coup? Not going to happen. There’s a reason that London’s gangs use knives and acid instead of guns.

Also, if your trying to get from the UK to Amsterdam in a very short time frame, maybe taking an 9 hour ferry ride isn’t the best idea? Even if you are getting a lift with a bunch of singing nuns.

But, if I started applying logic to this film then it’s going to fall apart completely. Because this film is a blast from start to finish, it’s a live action cartoon not meant to be taken seriously in any way shape or form. Could I sit here and pick hole after hole after hole in it?

Yes, yes I could. But why would I want to?

After months of CGI filled ‘blockbusters’ it’s so refreshing to see a film with actual stunts, actual explosions and a complete knowledge of the fact that it is what it is.

The plots very, very simple.   Ryan Reynolds has to get Samuel L. Jackson to the Hague so he can put Gary Oldman in prison for appearing in Robocop. But Oldman has unlimited access to people who flunked out of Stormtrooper academy for failing their marksmanship tests.

Well, either that or our two main characters are so indestructible that the bullets are hitting them and their just patching up faster than the human eye can see. Because after about 20 minutes I figured out that there was absolutely no danger in any of the fight scenes and from then on whilst I enjoyed the film it did get a slight downgrade.

Call me old fashioned but I like my heroes to have a chance of being killed when their being shot at by a million bullets. Because after a while it an start to get a little bit tedious. And the run-time could do with 15 minutes being chopped off as towards the end I was starting to feel slightly bludgeoned.

But Reynolds and Jackson have amazing chemistry and some of the best scenes are just them, sitting in a car throwing barbs at each other. And I wished that they were longer as they represented a chance for the headache I was starting to develop to start going away.

I would also like to recommend for a knighthood whichever genius decided to hire Salma Hayek for her role which is little more than a glorified cameo where she either sits in a cell hurling some very creative and funny abuse at anyone unlucky enough to wander into her eye-line or wrecking stuff up in a low-rent bar.

And  Élodie Yung is there as well. She gets a nice participation trophy as well as another thank you from me for giving me a break from the relentless action.

Look, this film is not some deep think piece on the human condition, it’s Shoot ‘Em Up blended with The Nice Guys and The Blues Brothers. The films plot twists  which it thinks are so amazing and unforeseen could all be predicted in the first ten minutes. But I mustn’t fall into the trap of over-intellectualising. This is just instantly disposable, artistically worthless, expertly crafted trash, and I enjoyed it immensely.

Just don’t take your mum, this film has Tarantino levels of swearing.

My Score- See It 


The Hateful Eight Review


Cast overview, first billed only:
Samuel L. Jackson Samuel L. Jackson
Kurt Russell Kurt Russell
Jennifer Jason Leigh Jennifer Jason Leigh
Walton Goggins Walton Goggins
Demián Bichir Demián Bichir
Bob (as Demian Bichir)
Tim Roth Tim Roth
Michael Madsen Michael Madsen
Bruce Dern Bruce Dern
James Parks James Parks

Plot: In the dead of a Wyoming winter, a bounty hunter and his prisoner find shelter in a cabin currently inhabited by a collection of nefarious characters.

Review: This is not a sequel to Django Unchained. 

Keep that in mind as you enter the auditorium to enjoy this film.

Instead, this is Quentin Tarantino’s attempt to remake 1980’s classic – The Thing, hell, he’s even got Kurt Russel (sporting some magnificent facial hair) in one of the lead roles.

Even some of the soundtrack has been lifted directly from the film. And whilst it’s true that the plot does have some similarities, I was most reminded of Agatha Christie’s And Then There Were None  except with a hell of a lot more grind-house style violence seemingly borrowed from The Evil Dead.

But that’s mostly consigned to the second half, (no, literally, my screening came with an interval which several people took to mean the projector was broken and went to demand refunds.) With the first being taken up by Tarantino’s trademark dialogue.

The acting is uniformly excellent with a possible exception being Tim Roths massively exaggerated English accent but after a while even that seemed to make a weird sort of sense.

There’s a lot to love here. Great characters with shades of grey, some awesome violence, amazing music and its nice to see Michael Madsen getting some work. I really and truly enjoyed it and am saddened to hear that there will (allegedly) be only two more Taratino films being made.

2016 is off to an amazing start so far.

My Score- Seee It Now!