In the beginning there was the Michael Bay and the Michael Bay was good and made films like The Rock, Bad Boys and Armageddon which are all films I’m happy for someone else to die on.
But then the Michael Bay turned from a director with promise into the Michael Bay director that you know of today. And a great wailing and gnashing of teeth was heard by everyone who wasn’t a brain-dead undemanding teenage boy and even then there was still some minor feelings that film and indeed should be better than what the Michael Bay was offering.
And then following the utter, complete, unwatchable, debacle that was Transformers: The Last Knight, the Michael Bay, fled unto Netflix and there, chastened and haunted by what had become of him returned unto his roots and made a film called 6 Underground which showed that….
He had learned absolutely noting.
Because 6 Underground is the most Michael Bay film I can possibly imagine. And whether or not that’s a good thing depends entirely on whether or nor you can take Michael Bay looking at everything he’s made in the last ten years and thinking ‘meh, that was too constrained. Lets get Netflix to give me 150 million dollars and an extra large pallet of Cocoa Pops and let me show you what I can really do.’
Sadly, I was sober when I watched this… thing and as a result feel that I wasn’t in the right frame of mind because, were I to have been been blasted and ’18’ again this would be the best film ever.
But I’m not.
So it isn’t.
Which is a shame as this seems like a really good idea. 6 people fake their own deaths so that they can go and take down an evil dictator without having to worry about red tape. If your thinking this sounds a hell of a lot like The Expendables then your on the right lines just lower your standards a lot.
More than that.
A little too much.
I mean i’m all for action films starting with a blast but I really don’t want that opening blast to go on for twenty minutes, have absolutely no internal logic or even make fail to make sense. Or have unending levels of generic guys in suits and cars chasing our hero’s around for… I have no idea.
And from that start the film picks up and never slows down for a second. We have character introductions that even Guy Ritchie would call over the top, we (for the first half) have a timeline that won’t son’t sit still because this is a film that won;t sit still as if it’s terrified that if it pauses even for a second to develop character or even allow us to take stock of what’s happened or form any type of mental map as to what the location our hero’s are currently blowing up might look like, what number of goons are currently in the process of being unalived or even if their supposed to pose a threat or not.
Example, one of our hero’s was drowning to death and, where a film like Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation made it a tense and thrilling highlight of the film, here it’s just another thing that’s happening. No tension, no dread, no desperate attempt to rescue them as the air runs out, it’s not even the films primary focus at the time! I’m not entirely sure what the primary focus was, (aside from yet again pouring it’s female stars into yet another gratuitous slow-mo shot) it just wasn’t the desperate race against time that I feel really should have been.
But that would have required the film to actually to something that wasn’t an explosion, fight scene or car chase and as such had absolutely no chance of happening.
Which just means that after a while I got bored. I mean yes, there loads of practical effects which I liked but this film never found a reason for me to care about anything or anyone. Our villains never seem to pose a threat to the hero’s, there’s plot holes everywhere, and just for once I would like Ryan Reynolds to not play Deadpool. Because if he had donned his ladybird pajamas I honestly wouldn’t have been surprised in the slightest. I know you can act mr. Reyonolds. I saw you in Buried and Woman in Gold so I know that you can act and that not doing so is making you a lot of money but it’s just so tired now.
Everyone else is fine. I didn’t dislike anyone because I didn’t know anyone enough to care which is a shame as developed they could have been really interesting. I mean you had the regretful hit-man, the spy with a past that she regrets, the new kid trying to settle in and the others that were there!
The trouble is though, I still have enough 18 year old left to enjoy this film.
I liked all the practical effects, I Reynolds has charisma to burn and Bay knows how to shoot an action film. But that’s all this is. The ultimate Michael Bay action film and whilst he’s toned down his product placement that’s about all the changes he’s made. The plot still needs working on. He still needs to develop his characters, he needs to understand that action scenes are tense and exciting when you have the first clue whats going on, take a breath every now and then.
Because if there’s a 6 underground 2 then I’ll be watching it but somehow I expected more from Michael Bay does The Expendables.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to re-watch that time a morally complex villain was defeated by Nicholas Cage and Sean Connery.
My Score- Skip It