The Hitmans Bodyguard Review

I’ve said it before and I’ll probably have to say it again.

The United Kingdom has severe anti-gun laws. Whilst it is not impossible to acquire a firearm in London it would take you a long time to build up the trust required to be given access to a single pistol. Getting hold of enough rifles to launch a small coup? Not going to happen. There’s a reason that London’s gangs use knives and acid instead of guns.

Also, if your trying to get from the UK to Amsterdam in a very short time frame, maybe taking an 9 hour ferry ride isn’t the best idea? Even if you are getting a lift with a bunch of singing nuns.

But, if I started applying logic to this film then it’s going to fall apart completely. Because this film is a blast from start to finish, it’s a live action cartoon not meant to be taken seriously in any way shape or form. Could I sit here and pick hole after hole after hole in it?

Yes, yes I could. But why would I want to?

After months of CGI filled ‘blockbusters’ it’s so refreshing to see a film with actual stunts, actual explosions and a complete knowledge of the fact that it is what it is.

The plots very, very simple.   Ryan Reynolds has to get Samuel L. Jackson to the Hague so he can put Gary Oldman in prison for appearing in Robocop. But Oldman has unlimited access to people who flunked out of Stormtrooper academy for failing their marksmanship tests.

Well, either that or our two main characters are so indestructible that the bullets are hitting them and their just patching up faster than the human eye can see. Because after about 20 minutes I figured out that there was absolutely no danger in any of the fight scenes and from then on whilst I enjoyed the film it did get a slight downgrade.

Call me old fashioned but I like my heroes to have a chance of being killed when their being shot at by a million bullets. Because after a while it an start to get a little bit tedious. And the run-time could do with 15 minutes being chopped off as towards the end I was starting to feel slightly bludgeoned.

But Reynolds and Jackson have amazing chemistry and some of the best scenes are just them, sitting in a car throwing barbs at each other. And I wished that they were longer as they represented a chance for the headache I was starting to develop to start going away.

I would also like to recommend for a knighthood whichever genius decided to hire Salma Hayek for her role which is little more than a glorified cameo where she either sits in a cell hurling some very creative and funny abuse at anyone unlucky enough to wander into her eye-line or wrecking stuff up in a low-rent bar.

And  Élodie Yung is there as well. She gets a nice participation trophy as well as another thank you from me for giving me a break from the relentless action.

Look, this film is not some deep think piece on the human condition, it’s Shoot ‘Em Up blended with The Nice Guys and The Blues Brothers. The films plot twists  which it thinks are so amazing and unforeseen could all be predicted in the first ten minutes. But I mustn’t fall into the trap of over-intellectualising. This is just instantly disposable, artistically worthless, expertly crafted trash, and I enjoyed it immensely.

Just don’t take your mum, this film has Tarantino levels of swearing.

My Score- See It 


Deadpool Review

Cast overview, first billed only:
Ryan Reynolds Ryan Reynolds
Karan Soni Karan Soni
Ed Skrein Ed Skrein
Michael Benyaer Michael Benyaer
Stefan Kapicic Stefan Kapicic
Colossus (voice)
Brianna Hildebrand Brianna Hildebrand

Plot- A former Special Forces operative turned mercenary is subjected to a rogue experiment that leaves him with accelerated healing powers, adopting the alter ego Deadpool.

Review– Deadpool  is full of sex, graphic violence, and so much profanity that China has banned it, under the reasoning that the cuts needed to make “Deadpool” into a general audience picture would make it incomprehensible, and thus decided not to have the film in Chinese cinemas at all.

I loved it.

Its not perfect, I would have trimmed about ten minutes from the running time- probably from the slightly too long flashbacks that set up Deadpools Origin. Not every ‘pun’ is the comedy gold that the actors clearly think they are. And Marvel still cant make a decent villain.

A bigger budget would have been nice as well.

But for what this film was I adored it.

From the opening slo-mo shots, to a soundtrack that mixed rap, Ray Charles and Wham!, to the sheer number of lines that made me laugh (again, not a perfect hit rate) to the constant fourth wall breaks and to the fact that a lot of the actors were actually trying! (except for Ed Skrein who plays the villain, he simply tried my patience.) Ryan Reynolds can actually be a pretty solid actor when he tries (see Buried if you don’t believe me.) and here he’s trying his all. And its always lovely to see Morena Baccarin as a feisty character in her own right. (But no Firefly references? Really?)

At the end of the day, I really, really loved this film and can’t wait for the sequel.

My Score- See It