The Meg Review

Oh boy.

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

This film is exactly what I expected it to be when I realized that this film basically boiled down to ‘Jason Statham punches giant shark in the face.’ My inner eight year old’s undisguised glee matched only by my beloved wife’s absolute horror when we both realized that this film knew exactly what it was and proceeded to be just as terrible as we hoped/dreaded it was going to be.

The plots the usual bunch of nonsense -scientists go where their not supposed to go, accidentally unleash a 75 foot long shark that makes Bruce from Jaws look Vegan, seem unaware that most of them have ticking clocks above their heads and compete to see who can say their terrible, cliched, predictable dialogue with their tongue firmest in their cheek.

Unfortunately, it’s such a simple plot that by my watch the film had ended quite naturally after a mere 75 minutes  but then pulled the most obvious twist in the book right after ‘It’s still moving.’ to pad it’s run-time to 113 minutes.

And… I have no idea why I love this film as much as I did because objectively I should hate it. There’s barely any practical effects, all of the characters were archetypes- nerd, geek, jerk billionaire, the plot hold no shocks or surprises, it’s idea of being clever is calling it’s lead character Jonas (you know, like the guy in the bible?), Jason Staham has NO business being in a 12a film here he can’t do Jason Staham things like swear or beat up faceless goons or react to all the CGI blood that should be sloshing around the set by swearing.

I’m convinced that all the equipment used would shred like toilet paper at the depths we see it go to, there are plot holes on top of plot holes but… but…..

IT’S JASON STAHAM PUNCHING A 75 FOOT SHARK IN THE FACE!

Whales are bitten in half as an afterthought, some underwater sections are tense and scary- others made me leap out of my seat in joy and one frame in particular i’m happy to offer Scriptgremlins arms in payment to get on my wall. Don’t look at me like that. They grow back. They always grow back. And taste great covered in BBQ sauce.

Would I have loved this more if it was allowed the 15 rating that it needed? Yes.

Would I have loved it more if it pandered slightly less to the Chinese audience? No, not really. To be frank it’s nice to not have New York under threat for once. Plus, there’s no real changes to the film besides setting the film off the coast of China as opposed to the USA.

Would it have been better if directed by Eli Roth as opposed to the guy who made Cool Runnings aka the greatest sports film ever? No. The budget was too high and this film was exactly what it needed to be.

Should you mistake this for a date night movie? No.

No no no no no.

Just… trust me on this.

This is a film to grab a couple of mates, sink a few/large amount of beers before/whilst seeing and just enjoy it. I can see this being a serious staple of Friday/Saturday night evenings in for a few years.

I loved it.

Not as much as I love Deep Blue Sea and no-ones ever going to mistake it for a classic but if you are as desperate as I am for a break from franchises and fancy a good old fashioned creature feature that could have done deciding if it wanted to end after 75 minutes or not, having a smaller budget so it could get the higher rating it so desperately needed and er….

If anyone knows where I can get a poster of THAT scene at the end (if you’ve seen the film then you know the one I mean) please put, let me know in the comments.

God speed you magnificent throwback. May you not bomb as hard as I think your going to.

My Score- If Nothing Else 

 

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Mechanic: Resurrection Review

 

The plot for this film feels a little bit like a fill in the blanks for ‘generic action sequel number 040027’ Lets see how you do.

Jason Statham is a former _____ who is pulled back in when his _______ is ______ and he is forced to _____ several people to get _____ back.

(Hitman, girlfriend, kidnapped, kill, her)

And yet it works. It’s a good fun blast of a film in the best kind of way- THE EIGHTIES WAY!!! A lone man up against an inexhaustible  army of red-shirts whilst being forced to rescue Jessica Alba from.. some guy who I spent the whole film calling ‘probably not Ed Skrien.’ But with quite a bit of Mission Impossible thrown in as well.

It takes a while to get going, because for a character that’s basically a damsel in distress (although she did do her own stunts) Alba’s character gets a hell of a lot of character development that adds an unnecessary 5-10 minutes to an already overlong first act.  But once things kick into gear, this film really does get going and stay going.

It’s weird that this film had the exact same budget as War Dogs (40 million) as I mentally had this pegged at about the 75-100 million dollar mark. I mean the film globe trots in a similar method to a James Bond film (the orchestra certainly seem to think that their making a Bond film- expect a letter from the lawyers.)

From hat I could tell the action seems to be pretty solid Statham fare (naturally, he did all his own stunts)- although some of the CGI does add to the 80’s feel of the film and I did burst out laughing at the sheer cheek of some of the stunts.

Oh, and did I mention that this is a 15? No sudden movements now- i’m trying to establish a breeding program for this increasingly rare rating.

Oh, and Tommy Lee Jones makes another ‘I’m not dead yet!’ cameo as an arms dealer who allegedly has access to submarines and ICBM’s  but by that point I was way too into this films groove.

Treat it like the 80’s through back that it so desperately wants to be and absolutely turn off the part of your brain that deals with physics and you’ll have a blast.

I know I did.

My Score- See It 

The Transporter Refueled Review

The Transporter Refueled (2015) Poster

Cast

Cast overview, first billed only:
Ed Skrein Ed Skrein
Ray Stevenson Ray Stevenson
Frank Senior
Loan Chabanol Loan Chabanol
Gabriella Wright Gabriella Wright
Tatiana Pajkovic Tatiana Pajkovic
Wenxia Yu Wenxia Yu
Qiao
Radivoje Bukvic Radivoje Bukvic
Arkady Karasov

Plot In the south of France, former special-ops mercenary Frank Martin enters into a game of chess with a femme-fatale and her three sidekicks who are looking for revenge against a sinister Russian kingpin.

Review- Was there an online campaign I missed?

Some rabid fan-base that was screaming out for the continuing adventures of “The Transporter?”

Or, did somebody in Hollywood decide that they could beat this dead horse and try to pick up some of that tidal wave of money that flooded after Fast and Furious 7?

But, I’ll be putting my conspiracy theories away for now, along with the fact that apparently Jason Statham wanted 11 million dollars (roughly half the films budget) to reprise his role as our titular character, which is why we got lumbered with… er… Ed Skrien (allegedly he was in Game of Thrones but then I think everybody up to and including my cat has been on that show.)

If it seems like I’m taking a while to actually getting to reviewing the film, it’s because there’s actually not much to review.

A suit that drives an Audi (Product placement for the win!) is roped into a ex-prostitute’s revenge scheme against her pimps is the best I could make of the plot. And to be honest that’s a pretty good idea for a rated 15 action film. With lots of chances for fight scenes, car chases, slow-mo scenes and a chance to look into the grey area between vengeance and justice.

And this film completely wastes it.

Ed Skrein has no charisma in any way shape or form. The villains are as scary as my washing up, the soundtrack is shockingly dull. And Ed Skrein has no charisma. Anything else?

Oh right. The action scenes. Did you ever watch the old Adam West Batman TV show where the actors flailed around the set like they were all dunk during an earthquake? Well, so had the fight choreographer for this film. It’s some of the worst I’ve ever seen.

Also, this film suffers from the same issue that No Escape had in that a side character (in this case Ray Stevenson playing the hero’s dad) has far more charisma, interesting backstory and screen presence than his son, hell, even during the movie he seems to be having far more fun and even being more effective than The Transporter himself!

AND on top of all of that! This film managed to get a 15 rating for no apparent reason. The violence is 12 a safe, the language is fine, there is nothing in this film which I feel warrants any rating beyond 12 a. And that’s not to mention that the film put out most of it’s stunts in its trailer.

So to sum up, boring hero, nothing plot, woeful action scenes, mediocre acting, dull chase sequences and they have the gall to want to make 2 more of these!

My Rating- FIRE