The Curse of La Llorona Review

Of the 9, that’s 9 films released to the big screen on the weekend of the third of May, I am reviewing this one because…. it’s part of a franchise that I’ve consistently hold solidly mediocre things about?

Nope.

Is it because i’m a big fan of films that feature pretty much nothing but jump scares from a villain who seeming has 500 million weaknesses to the extent that she needs backup from a squidgy mortal with a gun to make her a threat?

Nope.

Is it because I love films that don’t develop characters or feel the need to have any more than the most basic, contrived, cliched plots?

Nope.

Is it because i’m desperate for a break from either big CGI blockbusters or really good, low budget coming-of-age dramas?

Possibly.

Is it because i’m actually in a part of the barren, savage world known as ‘Not London’ where i’m sitting on a beach experimenting with the human body’s maximum cocktail capacity and caught an advanced screening of this film thanks to Cineworld and would much rather they’d done an advance screening of Tolkein or Hotel Mumbai?

….Yeah

But drunk beggars can’t be choosers so here we are. With a film set in the conjuring Universe (The Conjurverse?) They seem to be about as connected as most MCU films so I don’t feel like I missed out on anything.

Because there’s not much to miss out on. It’s your basic plot (person who doesn’t believe in curses does something silly, gets haunted, goes to disgraced priest for help blah blah blah.)

The main actors are fine, I wasn’t cheering for the evil demon woman (saying or even typing her name causes “My Sharona” by The Knack to get stuck in my head for three days.) To get rid of the child actors as I usually am which is always nice.

It’s a shame that this film wastes so much of it’s limited potential because towards the end there was a bit of a siege movie vibe happening and that kind of stuff is my jam but it was never allowed to develop as the film races through it’s 90 minute run-time which, whilst it is the type of run-time a film like this should have, another five minutes to develop some dread or creepy horror vibe would not have provoked riots in my screening. Hell, Pete Semetary was 101 minutes long and that had plenty of dread as well as naff jump scares.

Which is pretty much all that’s in this films arsenal. There’s nothing subtle about this film, just the whiff of the conveyor belt as this horror film by numbers comes onscreen, does it’s thing and then goes away again. Hell, I was pretty much able to set my watch by the damn jump scares.

If you absolutely, defiantly, need to watch a horror movie in the big screen this very moment then The Curse Of My Sharona will do you. But that’s about the only way I can recommend it. Slowing the pace down would have helped. As would developing the characters, having more than one type of scare. Doing something about a jump scare at the end which made me burst out laughing as well as…

Sod it.

It’s a low budget horror movie from a franchise which I didn’t care about coming in and My Sharona has done nothing to convince me to seek out any more of them.

I’m sure future me wants to get back to the bar so… I’ll see you next time.

My Score- Skip It. 

 

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