Geostorm Review

In 2003, we were treated to The Core, arguably the last gasp of the once mighty disaster movie genre before it slunk off to SyFy to de-evolve into Lavalantula whereupon Volcanic eruptions in Los Angeles unleash a swarm of gigantic, lava-breathing tarantulas.

Sorry, I lost my train of thought as to why Lavalantula (and its equally awesome sequel 2 Lava 2 Lantula) somehow failed to win every Oscar going ad become the highest grossing films ever.

I was, I was… Oh, right!  The Core and the destruction of a once mighty if ery, very cheesy  genre. Basically, the destruction genre did exactly what it said on the tin. Some pesky event (usually a volcano or asteroid or swarm of something- mostly bad CGI.) Would threaten the world, lots of things would blow up, a load of extras would compete to see who could die in the most over the top way possible and then a load of cardboard one dimensional cut-outs would save the day with seconds to spare and then stare off into the distance as the orchestra swells and the audience starts to get to it’s feet.

Like I say, in recent years the genre has gone downhill as disaster films tend to be expensive and these days most of the films that tick all of the boxes come with a Lycra clad fashion disaster with absolutely no sense of their own innate ridiculousness.

Which brings me to Geostorm, an absolute blast from the past which I half expected to find had been stuck on a shelf for 20 years. But it hasn’t, it’s been stuck on a shelf since 2016 as it was  bumped for the vastly inferior  Batman V  Superman Dawn of Migraines.

And make no mistake, this is a very big, very very dumb film. Before going anywhere near the cinema place your brain in a nice secure environment preferably surrounded by classical music and reading war and peace with a nice glass of Brandy.

The plot’s been recycled from, of all things the absolutely terrible Avengers film from 1998. Basically, in a bid to stop global warming, all of the nations of the world built a massive net around the Earth that can do…. stuff to stop extreme weather from killing people. However, one day  the network of satellites designed to control the global climate start to attack Earth, and it’s a race against the clock to uncover the real threat before a worldwide Geostorm wipes out everything and everyone.

Naturally, only one person can save the day- the man who designed and built the system… Gerard Butler. Because when you need a scientist you ask central casting to end you Gerard Butler. But for him I guess this is a career highlight. Because for a man who once had the world at his feet following 300, Butler has squandered his talents and my time starring in almost unwatchable drokk.

Anyway, he has to go and shout the satellites back into behaving and then there’s inevitably a conspiracy with a villain on Earth who you’ll spot in five minutes and one in space who when they reveal themselves engender less a realization that the clues were in front of us the entire time than “Who the hell were you again?”

But, bear in mind this is a film with the line “You get the car, I’ll get the President” Before kidnapping said President and driving backward in a huge orange taxi, firing a gun whilst firing a handgun with inch perfect accuracy.

Subtle it isn’t.

But every time you start thinking about a plot hole or six there’s another city getting destroyed or something else explodes and you forget all about it. Imagine a film directed by a can of energy drink and your halfway there.

I loved it.

I loved every over the top moment, every ridiculous scene or set piece or fight scene.  I loved that it was just stupid and fun and full of cardboard characters and seemed to have no idea of irony, or plot or worldbuilding or sequel baiting. I loved that the only person who seemed to be acting was the girl playing Butlers daughter who seems far too good to be in this film. I loved the fact that this is the film after 15 million dollars was spent on re-shoots! What was it like before? I need to see what it was like before.

Most importantly though, this is the first film in ages that I could see myself popping on when my mates are around and we’ve had a few beers and you want something to laugh at. It’s the best example of it’s genre since Armageddon and one I would love to catch on Saturday evenings when it’s repeated endlessly on ITV2.

What a shame it’s going to bomb at the box office because there’s a lot here to love. Alas, this film is an explosion and bad science filled butterfly that’s just too beautiful for this world.  It’s also a butterfly I’ll probably forget exists in about 3 hours.

But that’s life.

My Score If Nothing Else- With a Few Beers Inside You 




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