“Monster Trucks” is Proof That Humanity Has Got To Go

I just cant do this any more!

I mean, I never thought I was going to make films better but I hoped that I was going to stop them from getting worse. And then I discover that Monster Trucks exists and I just lose all hope in the future of the human race.

So it’s time for me to stop disappointing my parents by claiming that I will one day be able to make a living out of this and it’s time to do something more productive with my life. Like inventing color radio or trying to tempt tourists to see the delights of Slough and Milton Keynes.

So what may you ask is so terrible about a film called Monster Trucks? It doesn’t sound like it’ll be troubling the academy but what makes is so much worse than say the Fast and Furious franchise?

Well, you know how most Blockbusters these days seem like they were written by an 8 year old on a massive sugar rush?  Well, turns out sometimes it actually is written by children. Paramount made the rather strange decision of simply cutting out the middleman and letting former studio president Adam Goodman’s four-year-old son develop the premise for its next major blockbuster; what he came up with was Monster Trucks, a movie which revolves around the conceit that monster trucks actually have real monsters in them.

That sounds stupid says you, but it does explain the Transformers franchise. So its based on an idea that literally came from a 4 year old- you live in a world with 4 Sharknado movies so whats the problem, let it go out on Syfy and get back to campaigning for another Dredd movie.

Which I would love to do, truly I would but for the single issue that this isn’t going onto Syfy- it somehow managed to get a 125 million dollar budget AND a release date in mid-summer!?!? Although thankfully someone who can probably tie their own shoelaces without assistance has gotten involved and shunted this thing into the dead-zone of January. Which is the natural home for something that was supposed to go up against Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation.

Oh, did I not mention that this was filmed in 2014 and has been sitting on a shelf ever since? Because of course it has.

Now, I want to make it clear that I haven’t seen the film but I know my own love of awful, terrible films mean that I will be drawn to it like tourists to the many, many roundabouts of Milton Keynes (Did you know it has it’s own marathon?)

But despite having been placed in a not deep and dark enough hole for two years the films already causing trouble before one ticket has been sold. Paramount’s parent company Viacom has had to revise its earnings-per-share expectations to account for, “a programming impairment charge of $115 million in its filmed entertainment segment in its fiscal fourth quarter related to the expected performance of an unreleased film.”

Yes, Monster Trucks hasn’t even hit cinemas yet, and the studio is already proclaiming the film an absolute disaster. Slate reports that Goodman has since left Paramount, alongside the head of Paramount Animation Bob Bacon – the division behind Monster Trucks and I wish these gentlemen all the best in whatever new job they’ve managed to fall into.

Hopefully it has nothing whatsoever to do with film.

 

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