Gods of Egypt Review

When I heard that they were rebooting Stargate, I never expected them to get the first film out this quickly.

Whats that?

This isn’t the first of a new trilogy of Stargate films?

Huh,

Moving on then.

Long ago, in a land of persistently awful yet pervasive CGI there lived 2 races of people. One were called ‘Gods’, they were (for no reason I could make out) 10 feet tall and had gold blood so that they could have graphic death scenes without jeopardizing the films 12a rating.  They were mostly never-were action stars (Gerard Butler), TV actors (Jaimie Lannister) and award winning actors with eyes on a new house whilst hiding under tons of latex ( Geoffrey Rush)

They shared this land with ‘humans’ played by bits of cardboard with neither personality, charisma or screen presence.

And into this awfulness came a remake of the Lion King/ Hamlet (uncle kills king, spares nephew, nephew swears revenge, comic relief, yada yada yada)

And though this was released in America in February it took the film a not-long-enough journey of 4 months to be released in the UK, all but ensuring that it vanished from screens faster than anyone who mentioned the phrase ‘acting’ ‘practical effects’ ‘why does nobody have any chemistry’ or ‘why do the gods turn into mechanical animals like the end of Mortal Kombat Annihilation?’ to the director. .

For this is a bad film, with neither the wit nor charm to become thee Prince of Persia knock-off it so desperately wishes to be nor the sheer awfulness to gather a cult film as is its rightful duty.

Instead, it’s just a plodding, dull, obvious, slog with an overwhelming amount of bad CGI.

My Score- Poor

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